Last night at Tae Kwon Do, our instructor asked us why we train. Everyone had some really good answers, balance (in life), re-setting the day, confidence, don’t want to loose what we’ve worked for, etc. I’ve been trying to answer this question myself for two years now. Every once in awhile when I start to get burnt out and have to consider whether to continue, this question comes up. It never gets answered, and yet I haven’t quit yet. The only answer that came to me was that it’s so much a part of my identity I wouldn’t be real without it. Of course that’s a shortened version, or not completely accurate I don’t know. See I know that I’m not really real anyway, that “me” is a construct of my ego. I feel as though my ego self is in the front of my head, and there’s an infinite nothingness in the back. Anything that comes out of that nothingness has always been right. Getting dreads for instance was not a calculated ego idea, but seemed to come out of nowhere from the back, which communicated it to my front through my mouth. (I said it without thinking it first.) So I was thinking maybe my martial art training is a part of my ego identity that it clings to for it’s own dear life, but what’s weird about it is that it also comes from the nothingness. It exists on both planes. I sometimes think I’m not really that into it because I don’t dwell on it and think about it outside of class the way some people say they do. But could this just mean that it’s so integrated with “me”/infinity that I don’t have to? That may be reaching a tad considering that I’m really not all that good at it. But I did think of something else. Going back to the discussion a few weeks ago about a buttefly not returning to a caterpillar, I think there’s a tie in here. The caterpillar me, who I started out running from in that rambling, probably had the same reasons for starting training as everyone else, exercise, connecting with people, self-defense, etc. But I’ve shed that person, and the training is part of the DNA of the new organism, a butterfly can’t help but have wings. I can’t help but continue to train. Am I full of S@#&t or what? Maybe I just don’t know and I’m to stupid to figure it out. He said he knows, but he’s not going to tell me. Dangit.

So I’m having a little difficulty forgiving myself today. I flubbed on my run a little bit, only did 20 minutes instead of 30, and no incline. I was not more tired, in fact I felt pretty good, I just couldn’t keep it up mentally, I was bored almost to tears. It’s always that boring, but this morning I just couldn’t sustain the mental fortitude to get through it, like I do every single other day. Before you all start rolling your eyes, this is not a weight thing, this is a martial art training thing. Every class we say a membership oath which says that we will train our spirits and bodies according to the strict code. The strict code is effort and perseverance. Your best all the time forever. So I’m feeling like crap today, not because I believe on some neurotic level that I will gain a pound, but I didn’t do my best. I let my weaknes get the better of me. (It is wEAkness by the way, I looked it up.) This is what we train to do and I didn’t do it. Now, here’s why. I’ve got a design I’m trying to bring to life and I can’t do it while I’m exercising. Why couldn’t I just wait til I was done to think about it? Because I was in a mentally creative groove. A childish, I want it NOW! To bad the two can’t co-exist, it would be so much less boring. Incidentally, my Zen daily calendar yesterday was “True enlightenment and wholeness arise when we are without anxiety about nonperfection.” Now my instructor the other day loosely defined zen as being so concentrated in the present moment that you are able to come closer to perfection, or something like that. But once again, maybe I’m wrong, but I thought in zen everything already was perfect. Zen is often used in conjunction with martial art training and I don’t understand why since it accepts everything as is, this right here and now is perfect. I don’t see how that partners with perpetually striving for perfection and never being satisfied. I’m confuzzled. But I still can’t shake this dragging feeling of being a failure. Maybe I’ll go back tonight and do it again the right way. Or would that be just a little pathological?

Oh goody! We are having a special summer training camp for Tae Kwon Do in the beginning of June. My teacher is trying to think of ideas for t-shirts. For some reason he asked me if I had any ideas. Ugh, not my strong suit. So far the only thing that’s popped into my mind is like a warning label with the exclamation point in the triangle or whatever, then it says something like “The person inside this shirt is a deadly weapon. Attempt funny (or monkey?) business at your own risk.” Then the back would have the date, and Chung Do Kwan blah blah, then either all of our names printed or signatures, like on a high school senior class t-shirt. Or maybe not stupid, maybe something super elite looking, but how? Are any of you creative in that respect?

I’ve finally got all the trivia categories approved, now I’m working on the questions. My HALF of the project amounts to 560 questions. For each of the 80 subcategories, I need three kids level questions, three adult level questions, and one really super hard bonus question. I’ve got a bunch of questions already and I’m doing pretty well, but I’m going to put the categories here in case anyone has any good questions you want to share with me to help me out. Some of them are very specific to our school and our style, but I know a couple Blue Wavers read this, so =)

FORMS: tae guk, kuk, mu, pyong ahn, chul gee, other
PEOPLE: Master Chung, Won Kuk Lee, Gichin Funakoshi, Master Blevins, Master Choi
ANATOMY: pressure points, skellital, focus points, organs/nerves, circulatory
HISTORY: modern Korean, modern American, post war, occupation, pre-occupation
PROTOCOL: uniforms, in the school, classtime, addressing/commands, tournaments
KOREAN CULTURE: language, food, customs, art/fashion, misc
BRACHN CLUBS: Clayton, St. Charles, Wentzville, Lyndell, Josephville
LITERATURE: strategy, technique, philosophy, history, other
FITNESS: cardiovascular, muscular, nutrition, flexibility, mental
BLACK BELT: prerequisites, preparation, test, meaning, subsequent degrees
BASICS: hand, food, combination, jumping/leaping, esoteric
SPARRING: types, rules, formality, practical strategies, bad strategies
OTHER MARTIAL ARTS: country, founders, history, signature moves, analogies
BLUE WAVE BLACK BELTS: start, age, family, physical features, other activities
LORE/STORIES: Master Chung, Master Blevins, our generation, historic, other
MOVIES: actors, style, quotes, plots, other

If anyone has any little facts they want to share I would be tremendously grateful, particularly in history, Korean culture, mental fitness, other martial arts, and historic or non historic lore and stories.

My friend has our pictures from the California trip on his site. There aren’t but a couple of me and they’re awful because I was sick, but you can see all of the gorgeous beach pictures and stuff. I think the third group of pictures has those.

One of the main categories we chose for the tae kwon do trivia game is “lore and stories”. It’s going to include questions about Master Chung and his stories, our teacher and his stories, and our generations stories. I have to break this category down into five sub-categories. I have three, Master Chung, our teacher, and our generation. I either need to think of two more, or think of another way to break it down. Does anyone have any clues?

Yesterday we had an extraordinary training day on the beach. The sand felt awesome beneath my feet and gave my legs an awesome workout. We also ran along the surf, that may have been my favorite part. When we were all done we ran out into the waves in our uniforms. I was afraid I’d have a hard time since I haven’t been able to do my full workout in a few days, but I was just fine, maybe I needed rest.

Running on the beach was awesome, and the weather was beautiful, there were some tempting moments when I thought to myself I could really like it here. But I know I could never feel at home. Everyone is just too beautiful and I’m not used to being so close to the bottom of the food chain. It was all just a little bit surreal. Where’s the dirty hippy part of CA? Maybe I’d feel more comfortable there. The thing Kyle and I noticed when we got off the plane back home was how many fat people there were. (well, he said ugly). I wonder how we must have looked to those CA people.

Anyway, then in the evening we had a nice dinner at our teacher’s teacher’s house. He turned 84, so we were celebrating that. He had an awesome back yard with a koi pond and the shortest grass I’ve ever seen. We ate sitting on the ground and didn’t have to brush off our butts when we stood up.

I’m flying to L.A. today for a fun tae kwon do training weekend for black belts. My teacher’s teacher is turning 84, so we’re going to visit him and perhaps get to train with him (depending on how he’s feeling =).
TaTa!!

I’m starting to run out of games to play with the after school kids at tae kwon do. They’re starting to get bored with the ones that used to be their favorites. I’ve looked up some on google and found some aweome ones I can’t wait to try out. I’ve also found some great books I’m going to check out of the library for ideas. But I just thought I’d post it here that I’m looking for great games that stress cooperation and team building and possibly strategy over competition. What are your favorites?

My instructor has charged my friend and I to come up with a Tae Kwon Do trivia game for use at our camps and training weekends and such. The first step is for each of us to come up with ten main categories which will further be broken down into ten categories each. So for my main categories so far I have: people, history, forms (kata), basics, Korean culture, anatomy (as it relates to self-defense), sparring, protocol, and literature. I need a tenth category. Any ideas out there?

Today in tae kwon do my instructor asked me to do something really scary. He actually wanted me to take some purple belt girls and “talk” to them about something “they might find interesting.” I just felt myself go white, I couldn’t possibly know what to talk about. So he suggested women and martial arts, how women weren’t allowed to train and special obstacles or talents females have. It was really intimidating, but really it was awesome, my first opportunity to spoil developing minds, to indoctrinate them with my own philosophies. And actually something that was discussed on here months ago about the differences or not differences between masculine and feminine came in handy. First of all, when I was taking them through their form (kata), they were giggling and messing around and not taking it seriously. So of course I opened by telling them about how women weren’t allowed to train back in the day, and tried to impress upon them just how recently in history this changed, that there are still men alive today who remember when women couldn’t train, and may yet be unappreciative of the progress. I also equated it to when the Japanese occupied Korea and had outlawed training in martial arts there. I tried to communicate to them the difference between men not allowing women to train because they thought we were stupid and weak, and not allowing them to train so that they WOULD BE stupid and weak. I tried mostly to get them to see that people had died and been tortured for our opportunity to train, what a gift it was, but they wouldn’t even really look at me, they were more interested in each other’s boogers. It was really sad. But I don’t blame them, somehow I failed to get them interested, but I just do not know how to connect with kids. But one girl was very interested and was listening intently and thought one of my later points was that we should act more like men and be strong and serious and powerful and smart. Then I had to sit them back down again and try to clarify that being all those things does not mean being like men. That women possess all of those qualities and that expressing them is not being like a man, it’s being what women really are and not what culture has decided they should be. I think I lost them, they didn’t give a crap. Anyway, it was my first time having to “teach” intellectual stuff in my whole life for anything, and it was weird.

Yesterday two of the kids I help teach tae kwon do to did the sweetest things. I had already changed into my uniform, and this one girl in the dressing room put my skirt on over her uniform and picked up my bag and ran around singing “I’m Eleanor! I’m Eleanor”!. It was my first instinct to think she was making fun of me, but she sounded so happy and joyous =) Then after class, this other little girl told us that she was going to become a vegetarian. She told me she was doing it to save the animals, and if her becoming a vegetarian didn’t work, she was going to take it up with the president of the United States himself! I don’t know if I was right to or not, but I told her I was a vegetarian too and that she was doing the right thing. And I told her if she went to see the president to me know because I would go with her. I don’t know whether or not it was appropriate, but she was so sweet and so full of hope and belief that she could make a difference and save the animals, I found it impossible not to encourage her. You go sweetie, you and me, we’re going to save the animals!!!! =)

Last night we had a really interesting Tae Kwon Do class. We did all of our leg basics lying down, and all of our hand basics sitting in chairs. Then we did all of our sparring in chairs. The idea being to learn how you would defend yourself if you were handicapped in a wheelchair. One of the sparring exercises was to only use one hand, like a paraplegic. It was a really neat experience, made me think anyway. You should try it sometime. Sit in a chair and imagine, how would you block something and counter with only one hand. You don’t have to be a martial artist, it’s just fun. Could you punch with strength straight above your head?

I was up til Three A.M last night finishing this stupid thing. I had to turn it in this morning at an eight oclock meeting. Well, I woke up at 8:10. I’ve been on my own seven years and never done anything like that, and I vow it will be the last. So anyway, here it is, Manners and Etiquette:

* An Apology
Once upon a time, in a galaxy far far away, I took a creative writing class. Now, a lifetime and a half later, I’m staring at a blank screen wishing it were like riding a bike. The only way I know how to write anymore is the way I think, which promises to be a most trying task for a reader. It would be poor etiquette on my part not to warn you of the appalling lack of coherence that lies ahead. I apologize in advance for my annoying random style. * Disclaimer
I do not believe in the existence of an ultimate reality that exists outside of our own experience. The following musings on manners and etiquette hail from my reality, which may differ from yours. All statements are based on my own perceptions and I make no claims of applicability to anyone else’s life. * Learning Manners and Etiquette
My natural inclination has always been to think of myself before others. It is possible that if left to my own devices, I may have grown up believing I was the only person in the world. Respect for others is something that I believe has to be learned, but that cannot be taught. When I was a kid growing up in school, the teachers made much ado about respect, manners, and etiquette. Rule such as saying “Yes, Sister So-and-So” and stepping aside in the hall when elders passed were enforced with a vengeance. Disrespect at the dinner table was punishable by revocation of your meal. Not one of these experiences left me feeling anything other than resentment. The desire to behave appropriately began selfishly with my interest in how others perceived me. As I grew and gathered life experiences, it dawned on me how much work goes into a successful life, and I felt the first twinges of genuine respect for others based on their accomplishments. I’ll spare the novel, but many books on Buddhism and hours of Moby’s music later, I am awakening to the oneness of humanity. Showing respect for others with my words and actions is inseparable from showing it for myself. Essentially, my selfishness remains in full force, but now everyone is me. As my self-esteem waxes and wanes, so does my observance of etiquette. There are many challenges to upholding rules of social engagement, but that is my primary one. When I love myself I love the world; etiquette and manners are easy as breathing. Sadly, my self-love is, to quote Alanis Morisette, “embarrassingly conditional”, and those moments of Kensho are tenuous and few. * Mindfulness
I wish I could wax ecstatic about how I’ve mastered the art of mindfulness and how I’m constantly aware of my every impulse. But I have not even begun this journey. Read about it, thought about it, considered it yes, practiced it, no. But just as we control where our hands and feet go in our training, we should have equal control over our tongues and mannerisms. This section is more of a statement of intent than anything else. I was actually going to write my thoughts on mindfulness, and was embarrassed to find so few. So, here begins my exploration of mindfulness. * Habit
There is a fabulous quote from Aristotle hanging on the wall in our school. “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.” This sums up so succinctly the point of our training. Naturally this applies to the physical aspect, but is also relevant to manners and etiquette. My friend repeatedly uses a nasty word in conversation, and every time I object to its use, he points out that there is no one present who might be offended by this word. What he fails to realize is that by having this word so readily available in his vocabulary, he runs the risk of letting it slip at an inopportune time. Of course I’m not better. I have a favorite phalangeal motion that I use freely while driving. One day, one of my cough favorite students gave me a nasty little look. Time slowed down Matrix style as I felt the neurons firing to signal the employment of this gesture. The signal went from my brain, through my neck, past my shoulder, and all the way into my elbow before I targeted it and shot it down. I hit me just then how dangerous these little bad habits can be. It would be better for me to rid myself of this response altogether, that way it won’t even be a possibility in a time such as this. Upon further examination of my particular habit, it concerns me that I may have expressed my road rage to someone I know, but didn’t realize it. What if it’s the cleaning lady at the YMCA I go to, or what if it’s the next person to wait on me in a restaurant? Yes, best I get this habit under control asap. * Self-Contamination Hatred, anger, and lace of respect are not emotions we feel foisted upon us from the external world. If you hate me, I do not feel it like heat waves radiating off of you. The only people who feel negative energy are the generators themselves. When I feel anger towards another person, I’m creating a hell for myself, not for them. The hatred exists in my reality, not in theirs. Being as I am the architect of my own mental environment, it makes no sense to draft it with disrespect and negativity. Many times expressing respect through manners and etiquette is not for the sake of the other person. I choose not to poison my own spirit with negativity. As I create my experiences, I remember a great Gandhi quote: “You must be the change you wish to see in the world.” * Manners and Etiquette vs. Ethics
I realize it is different for others, but in my world view, etiquette and ethics are not the same thing. To me, ethics relates to macro-actions, and etiquette to micro-actions. Take for example Hannibal Lechter. He demonstrates exquisite etiquette at all times while being devoid of what most people would define as a moral code. You would never catch him with his elbows on the table . . . while eating his dinner of human brains. Also, etiquette can be faked and used as a facade to hide malicious intentions, like Eddie Haskell. Ok, maybe he didn’t have malicious intentions, but he always appeared to be a gentleman on the surface, but he was really a jerk. This is why the story of the sailors hoarding all the food for themselves didn’t sound like it was merely about etiquette to me. I see their poor choice as one of ethics. * When Etiquette is Easy vs. Difficult
Seeing the world as one is never more difficult for me then during disagreements. Good manners and etiquette come quite easily to me for some reason. However, when I am in a heated argument with someone about certain issues, it is my tendency to lose all respect for them, to see them as a drooling idiot, to wish they’d take their uninformed fear and hate based opinion and well, anyway, you get the idea. This is the major gaping hole in my ability to maintain proper etiquette at all times. In actuality, these are the times when the interdependence of all people is most evident. I soon realize my opinion would be meaningless without theirs. It never occurred to me until recently how much more of my identity is derived from what I am not, than what I am. There are those that might wish we had a one party system. To them I ask, where would we be today if all the activists of history, the Gandhis, the Rosa Parks’, the Harriet Tubman’s, the Susan B. Anthony’s, had all decided to mesh with the moral majority? When dissent ceases, when the questions stop being asked, when we stop challenging each other, when one opinion reigns, that’s when millions of people get gassed. It is my current spiritual lesson to learn how to accept those people who are the opposite of me as essential to my existence, and show them the respect they deserve for being the yang to my yin. * Superiors and All People
While discussing manners and etiquette, I think people automatically assume they are in reference to elders, superiors, or at least equals. But respect should also be pointed downward on the social ladder. Just now as I was staring at this vast blank TextEdit screen, peering into the infinite emptiness of my mind looking for inspiration with ten hours left to get something written, there came a knock at my door. It was the local homeless guy who washes cars out back for a living. It’s one of the first very cold nights of the year and he was seeking something to warm his bones. I invited him in, filled my favorite mug with the last of my Almond Breeze, micro-waved it and added two heaping spoonfuls of chocolate amaretto mix. How easy it would have been for me to say, “I’ve got to get this paper done, I’m not answering it.” I do not believe our good deeds are recorded in some golden book to be weighed against our offenses at some future time. I didn’t do it so I would have something to write about. It’s just that my hands have been numb from the cold before. Slowly, VERY slowly, one by one, I’m beginning to be able to look into people’s eyes and see the same infinity that is behind mine. Seeing the world this way has brought all new meaning to the Bible passage where Jesus says something to the affect of “What you do to the least among you, you do to me.”

I finally got to listen to Thom Hartmann’s show on White Rose Society. I am so glad he’s on the air. His message is so positive and it’s really helping me. I have to look at it this way: maybe it will take another four years to get people really pissed off enough for actual change. Also, he talked with Bev Harris from Black Box Voting and it definitely smells like voter fraud. The exit polls have always been correct, up until electronic voting machines. He was watching last night, and said the news reports said that “When Bush was told the exit polls were looking like he was going to lose Florida, he handled it stoically.” Twenty minutes later, Bush claimed Florida. The only thing that can restore my faith in humanity would be to know that they rigged those machines. I’m not going to get all depressed and slink along with my tail between my legs. I didn’t get really active this time, but that’s going to change. I can’t stay in tae kwon do anymore. I’m not doing any good there. I’m not helping those kids, they don’t respect me. My instructor is gearing the school more and more towards kids, and that’s not an environment I feel comfortable in or one I feel I can contribute to. I am feeling alienated and alone, and I feel like DOING something. Between 18 hours a week in the gym and 14 hours away from home a week for tae kwon do, I can’t be helpful for any kind of cause. My instructor is talking about organizing for a charity. The only suggestion so far has been for a children’s charity of course, but I couldn’t think of a counter suggestion. I am not a champion for any one issue. I see them all as important. I need to narrow my focus, make my life something I can feel good about. Because teaching those brats isn’t it. I’m not doing them any good and I’m not doing myself any good. I’m not advancing in my training, I’m at the end of the road. Yes, I did say this same thing exactly a year ago, but this time it’s different. The democratic party needs a kick in the ass and I want to have a foot in the administering of said kick. My instructor told me he liked what I was doing, and asked if I’d spend more time there. I was getting ready this week to tell him I’d give him two more days a week. But no, I think I’m going to quit my training altogether. Although I am going to give them one more chance, I don’t belong there. I don’t belong with those people. I need to rejoin the world of adults. I’m going to make the tastiest-ass lemonade you ever did taste!!

I was reading this article in the Nation this morning. The last portion on the marginalization of American foreign policy is what got me to thinking of myself. (what else?) Statements like “The political leadership of this country, as exemplified by the campaign positions of Bush and Kerry, has become so obsessed with our own security fears and so convinced of our own virtue that it has very little to offer in the way of positive socioeconomic development initiatives.” made me think of my own obsession and how it’s affecting my ability to be a useful member of society. I used to write and think about religion and politics on here if you recall. Not anymore, I noticed all the recent entries are about this stupid weight thing. Long ago before my diet I was searching the world for my path of contribution. How can I have a positive effect? I never found it, instead I turned to low calorie dieting and obsessive exercise and turned even more into myself and away from the world. I have to write a paper for Tae Kwon Do on ethics. I’ve been thinking about what to write about, and I’ve discovered I have none. I thought I was a good person just because I’m not a bad person. With all the reading and discussing of Zen and Buddhism and Christianity, how have I come up so morally void? When my body wasn’t getting the nutrients it needed, it must have started to cannibalize my soul, because I know for sure it cannibalized my brain. It’s been a little over a week now and I am still overeating and waiting for my body to “become reassured it will get what it needs” and “balance itself out”. I am still obsessively worrying and this morning considered adding more exercise to my 12 hour a week regimen. The idea was that if I stopped restricting, that food would loose it’s unnatural importance and I could move on to thinking about more important things, but it’s not happening. Maybe I have a food addiction too, wouldn’t that be some sh*t? I was hoping to devote more thought to my training, but all I can think about in that respect is how much more difficult it is to train with the extra weight, then I feel guilty all over again. This whole ethics paper has made me realize just how infinitely cavernous my selfishness is.

I finally had a great time at a tournament! I usually dread them, but this year was awesome. I’m getting better and better and living in the moment and not stressing about the outcome. I so do not care anymore. I took second in forms (kata), but there were only three of us in the division. I actually won a sparring match this year, for the first time ever. I had to fight in the finals with one of my good friends, a fellow seamstress =) I lost but it totally didn’t matter because I’d already done better then I’d ever done that day. It was all so friendly, sportsmanship and morale were way up. I ate and ate and ate since I was off my diet. Yesterday I had Chinese buffet for lunch and a potluck dinner. I had a little salad, and a roll with hummus, then three brownies, three cookies, a piece of cake and two croissants. I am a sweet fiend. So I spent 80 minutes in the little exercise room at the hotel, then went up to a friends room and talked with a whole bunch of people about the weekend with our instructor. He did a killer break at the demonstration. He did a speed break with two concrete patio blocks. He held them in his left hand, and sliced them in half with a right knife hand. It was jaw dropping. Today I had Japanese steak house for lunch, a doughnut at a gas station, and french fries for dinner. I’m about to pop. I’m going to finish unpacking then go run five miles and I’ll be set to go back on my diet tomorrow. Before sparring yesterday, the master of my ring was trying to pair us based on weight. He asked us which one was lighter. None of us wanted to admit to being thinner, so he asked us which one of us was fatter. I raised my hand but he insisted I was the lighter, so it made my weekend =)

Off we go this morning to the Tae Kwon Do tournament in Kansas City! Mike it testing for his black belt tonight. Good luck babe! But you won’t need it =) As for my own competition, I’ve gotten very good at completely detaching myself from the outcome. It’s just something I have to do once a year like visiting the “lady doctor”. Hehe.

Saturday night we went to a get together thingy for Tae Kwon Do at our instructor’s farm way out in the middle of nowhere. Here in the city we don’t have stars, they were amazing out there. Mike, and I, our friend we brought, and my friend from tae kwon do walked down to the lake and turned the flashlight off and looked at the stars. Then we talked and talked and talked. We probably could have talked all night but our friend had to get home to take care of his dog. Mostly they talked about video games, some movies, a lot of music, politics, world events, and then some easter philosophy. It’s not a lakeside starlight taekwondo gathering conversation without easter philosophy =) My friend also really recommended the Da Vinci Code. Maybe I will read it someday. I didn’t want to have to tease out the fact from the fiction, but he says it’s not that bad. I had made my Vietnamese spring rolls, I didn’t think anyone would touch them seeing as this was a “pig roast”. But they got gobbled up before I knew it.

I’m not sure, I could be wrong. But crawling around on the floor and giggling with kids may be fun. I wouldn’t swear to it, but I have the funniest feeling, I may have had a good time!! It’s the last thing in the world I would have thought I needed.

So Thursday’s class went well. I only had to teach one little girl, one who wanted to learn and remarkably was born with a shred of the ability to hold respect. So I didn’t talk to my instructor. But tomorrow is when the flood of after school kids starts, and I’m scared to death. I’m a serious person who doesn’t connect with kids. I’m trying to figure out if my instructor hired me because he thought his program needed me as I am, or if it’s a training exercise to adjust my personality? If it’s the latter, then I cannot accept a paycheck.

So yesterday I had to help with my first beginner kids tae kwon do class as a paid employee. I hate it. As if needing his approval as my teacher wasn’t enough, as if his being an intimidating master isn’t enough, now he’s my boss. And of course, it’s completely different than teaching the summer class last year. Those kids WANTED to be there, these kids are being dumped off by their parents against their will in something that’s supposedly better than daycare. I don’t know what to do with a kid that doesn’t want to learn, I don’t know how to make them learn or whether I should make them want to. Should I try to be the nice one hoping they’ll warm to me, or be the bitch that I am because this class needs more discipline than it’s been getting? I think hiring me was an interesting training decision, but a poor business one. To me, tae kwon do training is serious. I don’t have the first inkling as to how to make it “fun” for kids. I don’t understand kids, I’m an old fuddyduddy who wouldn’t know fun if it bit me in the ass. So it’s a great training exercise for me, but the paying parents don’t give a crap about that, and I’m not comfortable taking money for a job for which I’m not the right person. Why would he hire something who can’t stand kids to teach an after school kids beginner tae kwon do class? Certainly not for the kids. I think what I’m going to do is volunteer to keep coming and teaching, but ask him if we can de-introduce money from the dynamic, and then when I teach, refuse to give those little brats power over me.

So yesterday I was walking my doggie, and some boy and his mom walked out of my building to their car. I’m not sure if it’s something that hit me, or if it was more of something being lifted off of me, but I thought, “Hm, you know, I should babysit.” I have NEVER thought something so odd before, I can’t stand kids. But I was like, but how would I get my name out, I don’t have any experience or whatever. So, later that day, I was at Tae Kwon Do, and my instructor walks by and says he needs to talk to me. “How would you like a part time job?” he says. Teaching the after school kids this year!!! The “yes” just kind of tumbled out without much thought. Isn’t it funny how those things happen? (OH, don’t really hate kids =) It’s going to be very scary and challenging, I have no confidence in my abilities as a martial artist, teacher, communicator or any-other-ater. I am just going to close my eyes and go as they say.

Look at this adorable sachet a friend of mine from Tae Kwon Do made for me! It’s so sweet and thoughtful of her. She quoted me when I said pink was my favorite color, but not to tell anyone =) She’s learning to sew too and she does a great job and is truly creative.

The other night my instructor asked me again if I’m ready to open my own branch school. It caught me off guard and the obvious answer was absolutely not. I said I don’t know anything, I don’t have anything to offer anyone, my technique is uninspiring, and I lack people skills. This is pretty much how I feel half the time. But last night as I was trying to go to sleep, I was inundated with ideas and things I wanted to teach children. I am such a split personality, on one hand I’m afraid to open a school because I feel I have nothing to offer. On the other hand, I’m afraid I would overstep my bounds, that I am to subversive, that I have to much to say. I have such strong opinions on what’s wrong with the world and how parents and schools are failing, and this would make me feel like I could make a difference in a handful of lives. But is that the place of a tae kwon do instructor? I’m not nearly as interested in teaching them how to kick and punch as I am in raising their self esteem and teaching them to ask questions about the world. ADHD as a disorder needs to be overturned, people are not their shortcomings and failures, we are so much more than we know, always question authority, THINK for god’s sake! This is what I want to teach, and I’m not sure it’s in line with the Chung Do Kwan tradition. It’s for the children, not the parents, but I’m afraid I’d be reprimanded for being subversive.

It’s weird how the training floor can be like a micro model of my whole life. Within my form are moments of raging intensity, and then I peter out and they give way to just doing enough to get through without collapsing. Zoom out, and it applies to my dedication to training. I’ll go through a few weeks determined to get back on track, attending regularly etc. Then I’ll pull back and devote my time to other things for awhile. Of course this pattern will never get me anywhere, it’s not a good demonstration of perseverance. But maybe excellence in this area isn’t something I’ve fully decided I want. As soon as I decide to really want it, things will change.

Last night was my first night back to tae kwon do in a couple months. I had taken a few months off before that at the end of last year and when I went back, I wasn’t ready, I needed more time. Plus, by splitting my time between work and training, both were suffering, I had to choose one. I chose training. Although I really can’t say I’m doing it for me anymore. There’s nothing more I want from it, which is why I was considering quitting awhile ago. No, this is the area where I feel I actually have something to offer the world, so I’m going to train myself that I might pass it along. Although the feeling of not doing it for me is going to have to change, otherwise I won’t advance, because the training is about me and changing myself. Anyway, I’ve finally had enough time off and I’m ready to dive back in. It was good to be back, although my technique felt like crap.

Sorry I post on such weighty issues. I guess I don’t have a lot going on to talk about in terms of events and stuff. Basically, all I do is work which gives me lots of time to think. This is why my Tae Kwon Do instructor told me people like me need to practice something like that. He said something to the effect of people who are so cerebral need a grounding activity or else they’d float away. Mike, am I “cerebral”?

Mike just called me to see if I wanted to go to Tae Kwon Do tonight at one of our friends’ branch school. Usually I try to make up some good reason for not going to make myself feel better, but today I couldn’t even bother, I just don’t feel like it. I guess, until I can get all of these orders out, I’m not going to be able to relax into any other activity. The other reason is that this particular friend intimidates me, and his even more intimidating brother is in town. This is not to say I don’t love them both and respect them, but that’s why they’re so intimidating. They set an impossible standard and I feel inferior around them. He’s trying to set a good example for his school and he doesn’t need me there setting a crappy example. I tried to quit in November, but a discussion with my instructor changed my mind, but I still am feeling no more into it, even less so. I’m not sure if it’s stress from work or if it’s time for me to move on. On one hand I want to make a difference somewhere in the world, and that seems like the logical place, but it just doesn’t feel right at the moment. I’m pretty high up in the ranks and I hate it. I can’t stand the responsibility, I just can’t measure up to what people expect of me and it makes me want to just shut myself up in my house and read Sylvia Browne.

I’m just posting to break in the TKD category. Sometimes I might write a little on my Tae Kwon Do training, just because it’s helpful to keep a journal on such things. So, if these entries seem a little weird and disjointed, they’re just little “notes to self” =)

Last night my instructor was talking about concentration and how the slightest blip in it could be the instant we get run over by a car, or something. This is even true I’ve found in sewing. The slightest slip of a seam ripper, outfit gone, hours of work gone.

I haven’t really been into the tae kwon do lately, I’ve been much more involved with my work. I’m just showing up and going through the motions, though I’m not sure why. I’m not ready to give up everything I’ve worked for, and my instructor said it was ok to go on like this for awhile. So I like to keep these little journal entries to reconnect once in awhile.