FINALLY! The new site is up, go check it out:
http://www.powderbluedeath.com

Exquisite Lass will be left up in this archival state, I’m not sure how long, but at least for the rest of the year.

Hey everybody!! Mike is very close to finishing Powder Blue Death. It will be up in a couple weeks or so. In the mean (meen?) time, I am closing for commissions. There’s a chance I may never take commissions again. I’m notice a correlation between working and sugar binges. But we’ll see.

If you want me to drop you an emai when the new site is up, please email me at eleanor@exquisitelass.com and I’ll be making a list.

Ok guys, so I stupidly tipped over the tripod today and completely broke my camera. There’s no way we can afford another one for awhile. So I’m using it as an excuse to take a break from this site for awhile. There’s a teaching from the Buddha that says something about using a raft to cross a lake, but then when you get across to leave the raft because on the land it will only be a burden. I’m not going to update anymore, and in a few months Exquisite Lass will be no more. BUT, in it’s place will be Powder Blue Death. Remember a few months back I posted how my tkd instructor had given me that nickname and Mike registered the domain name right away? I will still be sewing and designing and accepting commissions, the site will just be a little different. I haven’t decided just how. But anyway, I AM open for commissions right now, and the site will remain up until I make the switch so you can still see examples of my work. The more commissions i get, the sooner I can buy a new camera to show you what I’ve been working on. I’m not going away, just taking a break and metamorphosing (ok I know that’s not a word) the site. Take it easy and don’t go to far, I’ll be back =)

Ok, so I looked it up at dictionary.com and neither the entry for fare, nor fair says anything about community gatherings. So I don’t know whether I want to an Art Fare or an Art Fair on Saturday. But anyway, that’s what we did with my family as a little pre-mothers day outing. Usually we actually go on mothers day but we decided to do something different this year. I just love these things, where all the artists come and set up their booths and we get to drool over obscenely priced goodies. I’m getting thriftier though. Last year I bought a $300.00 purse by Gena Ollendieck. This year I only spend $80.00. I’m getting better, or poorer. I got a gorgeous purse made by Theresa Gallup from a Japanese obi sash, black and sky blue with butterflies. Then Mike and I got the coolest thing I’ve ever seen anywhere. The most perfect watch by Debra Dresler. It’s a zen watch with all the gears taken out of it, and it has a stone with the word “NOW” scratched in it, and then half filled with sand.

So the other day I got a SECOND speeding ticket. I haven’t gotten a ticket since 96, now I’ve gotten two in a month. The first one I can kind of understand, it was late and there weren’t many cars on the road. But this one was in the middle of rush hour traffic, 74 miles per hour. I usually don’t worry too much about the speed when there’s lots of people because there’s no room to go too fast. I was going the same speed as everyone else. I can’t help but wonder if the hair is going to make me more of a target now. Anyway, I am a much safer driver above 70, anything less and I can’t stay awake. I propose IQ tests to go along with driver’s tests, and then color coded license plates to correspond with the scores, and an appropriate speed limit to go with each. Accidents don’t happen because people are going fast, they happen because people are either stupid, drunk, or falling asleep because the speed limit is set smack in the right spot for highway hypnosis.

Teehee, what an anarchist!! ok, just kidding, it was a pretty weak gesture, but it was my first. I used my tv turnoff while I was getting my oil changed the other day. The other two people in the waiting room were reading and didn’t seem to notice or care, which is actually a good thing. Maybe I’ll get a little bolder next time and turn off a tv people are actually watching, maybe at a restaurant during a game or something.

Ok, so they’re way big. I knew they would be, but you know how things are always different in your mind’s eye than in reality. They should fall down and be a little more tame after a week or so. The whole process took almost six hours, so I got a ton of reading done. Also they ended up a little shorter than I thought, but that may just be because they’re still sticking up. Now that that’s out of the way, I LOVE them!!! I feel like they make me look smaller, I’m this tiny little figure under this gigantic poof. I’ve done some strange things with my hair in the past, but this is by far the most drastic. I don’t regret it one bit, it feels so right. I don’t want to get all weird or anything, but I swear when she was doing it I could feel chi building up at the top of my head as though it were being dammed up. I read somewhere in passing that it’s believed that positive energy escapes through the head and dreads help hold it in. I smiled and forgot about it, until I was sitting in the chair and felt that. And as it built up I could feel it being forced back down and spiraling back into my body. It’s awesome. I also read that your personality determines their shape. I wonder what this means? Anyway, don’t judge it too quick, they will take weeks to properly form. Also I have to reacquaint myself with my face. It’s more masculine than I remember it being.

Now that I think of it some more, yesterday I couldn’t wait for them to lay down, now I’m not looking forward to it so much. I kind of like it this way.

Oh yeah, wasn’t I blond before?

I’m off to get my dreads!!! I’ve got a five hour appointment. This is the last you’ll ever see of my silky smooth hair. They won’t look like dreads right away. I’ve seen some pictures and they will look like a ratty mess for the first week or two until they settle down. It sounds like that’s just the amount of time I have to change my mind and can still wash them out. Anyway, wish me luck!!

I had my consultation today with a stylist to see about getting my dreads. She gave me the strangest look and asked me why I would want to do something like that. I was surprised for a second because I had no answer. You know how most ideas originate. Your brain thinks a thought, likes the thought, molds it and develops it into an idea, then processes it into language which then comes out of your mouth. Well, this idea actually came out of my mouth, traveled through the air and into my ear then traveled to my brain. All I know is, I’ve never regretted anything I’ve ever done on a whim.

So, since I decided to get dreads I’ve been doing a lot of research on how to do it right and I’ve stumbled across a lot of different things. I’ve been reading people’s definitions of different subcultures, punk, hippie, goth,. lolita. Anyway, they all stress very highly the fact that it’s not just fashion, it’s a lifestyle. The reason I’m contemplating this is because the universal thread I’ve noticed is that they all become hysterical when they see someone who is not one of them sporting some of their fashion. They lay out exactly what the ideology is and what you have to think and how you have to behave to be considered X. They all have similiar notions of what’s wrong with the world, but each have their own way of dealing with it. I don’t fit neatly into any of those subcultures. But does that mean I should be relegated to Old Navy? I hope not. They pride themselves so much on being unique and different, but when someone does something unique and different using them as inspiration, they freak out. Fashion is a living thing, and when they make laws and define their subcultures so rigidly, they’re making a corpse of it. Each one of those subcultures is one of my faces, and that’s why I incorporate elements from all of them in my outfits. This is why you will never see me in all punk, straight lolita, or whatever. I take a little from each color that is manifesting that day, and then blend the edges.

My ideology? Rather than saying “Stop controlling us!” I say, “Stop being controlled!” We are so powerful and so threatening to those who would subjugate us, they have to keep us doped up on reality tv and terror alerts, sedated with imagery of a false reality. There is no way to convince those in control that their ways are wrong, they will never change. WE have to change, WE have to wake up and realize the power we have over what we believe and what we do with our lives. My part? To be the change I wish to see in the world. To be awake and to have personal power. To awaken others to their power, to shed light on our slavery. But you can’t do that by pissing people off, by trying to disturb their sense of reality, by being dirty and smoking pot, by being loud and vandalizing, by wearing all black and hiding in the dark caverns of yourself. That will only make people cling to it even more. They will wonder what’s wrong with YOU and feel even more justified in their own ways. That is the reason also that living by example is not enough. You have to make your example one that people want to emulate. It’s not enough for people to look at me and say, that’s nice. I want them to see in me something they want for themselves. What has she figured out that I haven’t? How does she get the courage to dress that way? So far it seems to work, but mostly on little kids. I am often told how the little girls at tae kwon do want to be me. Actually, according to Mike’s black belt paper, it’s why he decided to start tkd.

Is there a uniform for that? May I be inspired by some of your subcultures which I share traits with, but use my own creativity and life to make it ME, to manifest my personal power? Or do I have to wear jeans?

Last night we went to see Moby in Chicago. He is one of my favorite musicians in the whole world, and he did not disappoint live. The only low point was what he did with Natural Blues, it was all slow and I didn’t get into it. The woman he had singing this time was amazing. His music on cd is a wide variety but mostly very electronic, but this concert it was rocknrolled up a bit and it kicked major ass!! I was so ready to talk more about it, but I forgot now. Ah, to live in a real city like Chicago!

So we went to see Gunther von Hagens’ Body Worlds at the Museum of Science and Industry in Chicago. I’m not sure if it was meant to be more science or art, but I’m leaning more towards art. Some of the bodies were displayed in ways that were just too weird for cold clinical information. Like the winged man for instance with his muscles all flayed out behind him like wings. My favorites were the ones showing the nervous system, and how all the nerves converge at the spinal column like computer cables to the server. Maybe the exhibit’s intention was to show the opposite, but I came away thinking about how our bodies really are nothing. They’re just machines. “I” the observer is something else entirely.

Well, to Grandmother’s house I go!! I’m traveling with Mike and Kyle to go visit my grandparents and spend a day in Chicago. I’ll tell you all about it on Sunday. Tata!!

Yesterday I was walking to the library to do some research for my tkd trivia. I walked passed the college campus and noticed the weirdest thing. EVERYONE was had cell phones glued to their heads. I didn’t see one person walk by who wan’t talking on the phone. Then I had this image in my minds eye of all of the voices and conversations happening at once over the lines, the cacaphony. But all I could really hear were birds, all communicating with eachother out in the open, maybe having the same conversations. It was just a surreal audio visual combination. The people on the phones and the sounds of the birds.

I was lounging around at my mom’s today, when I noticed a cardboard box that might have had art supplies of some kind in it. It “Do something creative every day” written on it. Good idea. I don’t always get a chance to do any sewing or anything, but I realized I do something creative every morning when I dress myself. I do more than dress myself, I create myself. Who am I today? When I’m creating my outfit I’m creating my identity. That may sound like my fashions are surface images only, like a poseur, but it’s not like that. I actually am all of those identities, they are all sides of me. It’s just a matter of who is going to manifest on any given day.

I’m getting a tad bored with my hair lately. At one point a few years back I had it shaved underneath. I really liked that, but it took over a hear to grow it all back out again when I got bored with it. I’m thinking about dreadlocks but my hair is so straight and fine, although it’s not like straw, it’s got a little body. I’ve been looking at sites that tell you how to do it, but I’m not sure if those methods are meant for all hair or just African hair. Also, I’d really rather have a professional do it, I know I’d screw it up. Does anyone have any advice, or other style suggestions?

ARRRGGHH!! I can’t stay awake anymore!! I have about an hour drive to karate four days a week, and it’s getting harder and harder to stay awake the whole way. At first singing worked, then I had to start slamming my head against the seat, now I’m slapping myself and screaming. I don’t know how much longer I can do this, it’s getting dangerous.

So yesterday was such a gorgeous day, Mike and Matt were going to go toss around a baseball for a little while. Since I’ve become a more active and physcial person, the idea of learning how to swing a bat was a tad interesting, I’d never swung at a ball in my entire life. So they decided to teach me to hit, throw and catch. Well, I suck at all three, but it was fun. There’s something zen about it, at least what we were doing, maybe not professional baseball games. Just the three of us out there, passing two hours like it was nothing, forgetting that there’s any world outside of that patch of dirt. I know there are fancy schmancy zen people who would bop me over the head for saying that. But my weak understanding of zen leads me to say that anything that causes me to lose track of time and forget where I am has a zen quality.

This morning we went to an art show called Inside Out Loud: Visualizing Women’s Health in Contemporary Art. I’m not really an artsy person, so I guess I didn’t get a whole heck of a lot out of it. The most interesting were the videos, but they were each like a half hour long and one was an hour and a half. Not good lengths for an art exhibit. The ones I was particularly interested in were Lynn Hershman Leeson, First Person Plural The Electronic Diaries, Martha Rosler, Losing: A conversation with the Parents and Born to be Sold, and Elizabeth Subrin, Swallow. Of course I didn’t have twenty years to sit in the exhibit and watch them all, But I can’t find them anywhere to get on DVD or to download. It’s driving me nuts!!!

A few posts back someone asked me what my motivation is (as far as the fitness thing.) Come to think of it, no one’s ever asked me that before and I’d never asked myself oddly enough. So the first word that popped into my head was neurosis. But then I thought of more:

*The drive to achieve excellence, which is a mark of a martial artist. I am a black belt and my training is very important to me, and I feel mastering my eating impulses and motivating myself to work out when most people wouldn’t is a part of it.

*I’m a perfectionist with some OCD tendencies. Maybe that’s the neurosis part.

*Spending my formative years being told I wasn’t good enough. I was always the book worm and all my friends believed I would grow up to be fat. Then when I did I endured ridicule from my very own family. I was also an ugly duckling and never got attention from boys, which was the only thing in world I desired at 10-12. I was uncoordinated and usually got terrible PE grades, one year I even got a D. My close friends liked me for who I was (but even they agreed I could be a little weird) but everyone else shunned me. The majority of the feedback I received which shaped my identity was negative, and that person I was is so unspeakable to me now, I can’t run hard or fast enough to get away from her. Maybe my low calorie dieting was an attempt to starve her to death, and even now whenever I eat anything, I feel guilt and anxiety. Somewhere along the line I made a congnizant decision about who I wanted to be, designed and created an identity. Now I am sculping, molding, pounding my way into that suit. Every failure is a button popped. I’m finally just beginning to come to terms with the hybrid that is the true me and love her and feel confidant being her. But it can be blown if the old were to reclaim the whole. Maybe I shouldn’t worry so much, as far as I know it’s impossible for a butterfly to turn back into a caterpillar. EPIPHANY!!! A butterfly is not a caterpillar in a butterfly suit!!!!! It’s DNA actually changes, it liquifies and is recast. It’s more as though the butterfly was there all along inside the caterpillar and emerges after the old is melted down and sloughed off like so much dead tissue. (I hope you can see where this metaphor is going and I don’t have to ramble on about how it applies to what I was just talking about.)

*The ambition to turn my weeknesses into my strengths. Something else I learned from tae kwon do. Then what couldn’t you achieve?

*Clothes are my language. Carrying superfluous weight is like speeking with a tooth guard. Being fat for me would be like a tracheotomy. No one would listen to my words because they’d be so distracted by the noise they made when they
came out.

P.S. She’s not some unspeakable monster to run away from and she was never me. She’s the oven that made me. I love her.

I haven’t been pulled over since 1996. Ugh, I got a speeding ticket last night of all things. 80 in a 60. I find anything less than 75 is a snail’s pace. I can easily drive my car over 90 and be perfectly comfortable, over 100 if I’m late for something. Is it true that that’s a felony? Anyway, so now I have to get a lawyer to get it fixed, so not what we needed financially right now. So I’m going to accept commissions for the next twenty four hours. I will be open for emails from now until 1:00 pm central time. No rush orders please. People are contacting me all the time wondering about ordering stuff, now’s your chance!

I noticed the federal government issued new recommendations for the amount of exercise people should have. I remember back in the day it used to be twenty minutes three days a week, then it was thirty minutes a day. Now it’s sixty to ninety minutes a day. Is this to keep up with Americans continuing to increase the number of calories they eat a day (3600 right now I believe), rather than tell people to eat less? Rather than sell LESS food we can sell MORE exercise equipment and gym memberships?

Also, I’ve read over and over again that in order to keep seeing benefits, you constantly have to increase your workout. So you add another half hour on the bike, or an extra set of squats, and more and more, until what’s left of your life. Is there a limit to this? Did anyone ever see that episode of the X-Files where these people’s brain vibrations got screwed up somehow and they had terrible headaches until they drove in their car in a certain direction, and they got worse and they had to drive faster and faster until their brains just exploded?

Someone responded to one of my earlier posts talking about how there are still sensitive guys out there who value women for who they are. It’s really sweet and I know it’s true. But it got me to thinking, it’s not as simple as a good guy shortage. I think we’ve been brainwashed to devalue that in a man to a certain extent, or at least to devalue ourselves. What I mean is, it seems as though finding a guy who loves you for who you are on the inside is a consolation prize, an attendance prize or something. It’s as though, the more conditional the better. I know in my heart this isn’t true, but I feel as though I would be dissatisfied with a guy who wasn’t crazy for me physically. Has anything I’ve talked about in the last few days rung any bells or am I living in some alternate universe?

Just a yeah out to Rod Blagojevich!!! YES!!

I know it is unlikely, but if any of you live in Missouri in the St. Louis/St. Charles/St. Peters/O’Fallon/Wentzville/Chesterfield or anywhere even close to any of those areas, there’s a new restaurant you simply MUST try out. It’s called Thai Gourmet and it’s at the end of highway K right near 40 in a strip mall called Keaton’s Crossing. They have the BEST Thai food I’ve had yet. They use all fresh ingredients and no additives. There was an article on them in the paper talking about how their suppliers tried to convince them to buy cheaper ingredients and they refused, insisting on only the best =)

I was thinking more about what I was talking about yesterday and just how insidious and pervasive their control is. I’m looking around myself and realizing they’ve got us from all angles. First they put up these impossible images that we’re all supposed to aspire to, but then it gets into men’s heads so they expect it of us as well, then they poison our food with additives that push us further from the ideal, then we work even harder at the gym or spend more on diet pills and programs, expend more anxiety and money on that problem, then they take away our jobs and decent wages and we spend our efforts just trying to get by at all, so maybe by that time we can’t even afford health care, and we go bankrupt because of a serious illness, then they close the door on that with their bankruptcy reform, so then, we have our last resort, our safety net, social security, which they will dismantle in the end, leaving us an impoverished third world country. It won’t work without the first step keeping us busy, pacified, preoccupied. And it’s not just impossible youth and beauty images, they keep guys busy too with images of success and trucks, or whatever. What all this rambling boils down to is that not only have they succeeded in getting me to give them my money, which is only mildly peeving, but they’ve KEPT ME DOWN! They’ve kept me from evolving into the type of person that could stop this cycle. NO ONE HAS ANY IDEAS, NO ONE HAS ANY SUGGESTIONS ABOUT WHAT WE’RE SUPPOSED TO DO TO STOP THIS, AND THEY’VE ENGINEERED US THIS WAY! They’ve engineered a rat maze for us while they are bleeding us. Sounds kind of Matrixy doesn’t it, hehe. Anyway, I have this button on my bag that says, “Don’t Diet, Riot!” and I was just thinking of putting that on a shirt, when Atari Teenage Riot’s Start the Riot came on my mp3 player. And I was like, fucking A, I’m ready to RIOT!! Then I thought, I should start an organization called R.I.O.T. Two problems, I’d have to figure out what those letters stand for, and what would it do? Damnit, see how well it works?

Once again, on the crest of the epiphany-despair cycle. Last night our tae kwon do master was talking about passion and fire about our training, and about applying that to every area of our life that is important to us. It got me to thinking about how I have in many ways, in many areas of my life, curbed that fire to a candle flame. All in the name of reducing stress and having more time to sleep, for…youth. Then it hit me, our culture’s premium on youth devalues women who have lived authentically and fully and on fire, because they weren’t held back by fear of aging. Keeping us obsessed with maintaining a certain complexion or a certain size, isn’t only a method of selling products, it’s a way to keep us docile!! Enticing us into not experiencing our lives fully in order to fit into this mold is a form of subjugation. Particularly the diet and health industry in my case. Last summer when I went on my 1300 calorie diet I had read extensively on how to calculate how many calories your body needs to function. Never do they include brain function. Just the other day I happened upon an article that suggested 1600 calories per day was enough for the average woman. Let me tell you, at 1700 calories per day my body still cannibalized my brain. Low calorie dieting impaired my brain function!! They want us thin, and week, and stupid so we won’t be a threat!!!!! They’ve somehow managed to rewire our brains (or at least mine), so that when I eat a piece of cake, my attention for the next 24 hours is diverted to guilt and self-loathing, rather than on constructive creative problem solving and subversive thought. DAMN THEM!!!!!!!! Now here’s a question. Mike says that’s my fault, or our fault for letting them do this. I’ve tried to explain to him repeatedly that they’ve spent billions of dollars figuring out the ins and outs of how the human psyche works and developing the keys to unlocking it. If we were week and pathetic and stupid it wouln’t be such a lucrative industry, but they’ve had to work pretty hard to reinvent our reality. It’s not as simple as realizing that tv shows and movies aren’t real. They’ve transformed our entire culture, and that’s what I’m having trouble explaining to him. Does anyone have any ideas on this, or am I wrong and people are just stupid and it’s as simple as realizing tv isn’t real.

Remember in the South Park movie, when Kyle’s mom says, “deplorable violence is ok as long as there are no dirty words!” Well my friend who works in a video game store told me the following story:

“So this woman comes into my work the other day, and her kid is all running around messing with stuff. And she says, “I need to find the most violent game you have, lots of shooting, and fighting and stuff, that’s what he likes.” So I go and get (I can’t remember the name of the game he picked out for her.), and she looks at the rating and asks what “sexually explicit content” (or whatever the labels these days say) mean? So I said it probably meant there were hooker jokes or dick jokes or something of that nature. And the lady says, “OH no, I don’t want him to be exposed to any of that stuff, you’ll have to find me something else.”

It’s just so wrong!!!!! Think about it REALLY people! Would you rather find out your son knocked up his girlfriend or killed somebody!!!??? I am personally offended by this attitude. That beautiful, natural, ancient, life giving, reality based acts are “wrong” or taboo, or disgusting, or inappriate, but ugly, faceless, heartless, fantasy, mind warping, anti-human violence is acceptable, is the scarriest thing I have ever heard in my twenty five years of life.

Last night Mike and I went over to our friend Kyle’s house. He’s been playing DDR for awhile now and getting very good at it, and wanted us just to try it out for fun. I was pretty skeptical, it didn’t look like my thing. After a single dance I could feel this thing just click on in my brain: addiction. We played for another two hours before I even realized it. He threatened to have Mike get it for me for my birthday, you know, for all that time I have lying around. We could have easily played all night long if it weren’t for getting home to let the dog out. God I’m a nerd. Although, without arm movements, it felt a little like I would imagine Irish dance to feel like. My only complaint is that sometimes I would just try to go with the music, but the game is like over accurate if you know what I mean, unnatural, unfealing like dance should be. But that’s only when I stop and think about it, not while I’m having fun doing it.

Anyone ever order tofu in restaurants and it’s all firm and holds it’s cubed shape very well, and even has a different color on one side? At Stir Crazy the tofu is firm like that even before it’s cooked. Now, at home when I make it, it doesn’t have the yellowed side, it doesn’t maintain the cubed shape I cut it into, it falls apart and gets all mixed in like scrambled eggs. Yes, I buy the extra firm. What am I doing wrong? Even when I first take it out of the package, it is more creamy and jello-y than the nice firm dry kind you get at a salad bar somewhere. I don’t get it.

I don’t know if it’s been noticed or not, but I am suffering from a complete lack of critical or deep thought. Just last week or so, I just got this shopping itch, and I’ve been browsing ebay and thrifting, and I have a list of more thrifting yet to do. It’s as though my philosophical thoughts and my consumer binges cannot co-exist. Which actually says a lot about the world, or at least American consumerist culture. As long as I’m browsing, grazing, and buying, I’m not bothered by pesky thought. Usually I try to be much more vigilant about this sort of thing, it goes to show how easy it is to lose focus.

I apologize for the despicable lack of deep though posts in recent weeks. I’ve been just trying to live in the moment and not think too much about stuff. So, as for my totally boring non-though provoking girly question, can a flu or something of the like upset your cycle?

For the last few days we’ve been watching Sex and the City Season six. Yes, I admit it, I love Sex and the City. Anyway, I was going to talk about the ending, but then I realized there might be some people out there who haven’t seen it yet, although it was pretty predictable. But I’m feeling all warm and fuzzy today because it was just perfect. I could use a little of that chivalry they had in the final episode. I was most impressed with what they did with Samantha’s character in the last episodes with her illness and everything, showing just how strong her character is while simultaneously softening her. Anywho, I’m not good at talking about tv shows, so I’ll shut up now.

I’ve changed my mind about the no commissions thing. It will not be permanent. I’ve decided I will start taking commissions again in the summertime, when I don’t have to after school program to help with at tae kwon do. (unless my teacher has other plans for me, who knows.)

I have GOT to get me one of THESE!!!

Hey, I found a really handy site that shows when and where there are protests all around the world. Naturally nothing happening in my neck of the woods, damn rednecks!

OH, and Happy St. Patrick’s Day!! =)
I’m not Irish, but whatever.

Does anyone remember those little babydoll mini dresses from the 90’s made of that slick polyester material with different floral and 60’s prints? They were absolutely plain and the skirt had a slight flare and they were pretty short. It seems like the thrift stores used to be full of them, but now I’ve searched ebay til I’m blue in the face and I can’t find them anywhere. Does anyone have some deep in their closet they’d like to sell in size M, or know where I can find some?

I’ve been thinking a little more about Guard Dog. I’m a little disturbed that it reminds me so much of me and my demonizing of so many foods. It’s as though the owner is myself, and I’m getting so zealous with barking at potential dangers that I’m going to wind up killing myself. Is being so ascetic good for me or is the stress from it outweighing the benefits? Then I remember, I’d be stressed anyway, so might as well not add insult to injury.

I’m sorry to all of you who are reading this site just because your interested in my designs. I haven’t had time to design anything new in a long time. I’ve decided I can’t take commissions anymore. I just don’t have any time, and it’s way too stressfull. I’m questioning whether or not I’m going to keep the site up at all. I really don’t want to take it down and probably won’t, but I’m kicking around ideas of stuff that’s got to go.

OK, so Friday night we were trying to get tickets to Nine Inch Nails. We were online the second they were supposed to be on sale. But they were never available. The next thing we knew they were sold out. We even called the number and the lady said there were none available. How can a five separate shows legitimately sell out instantaneously. Something smells fishy. Does anyone know how these things work? I desperately want to go to Moby in April, but how is the average person supposed to buy tickets to a show anymor if the radio stations and scalpers raid them all? It’s not like we waited around. We heard the last show sold out in 35 minutes. But they went from unavailable to sold out with one click. How is that right?

I guess it’s officially happened. Apathy. I haven’t listened to Thom Hartmann in weeks. My magazine subsciptions are coming due and I won’t be renewing them because I just don’t have time to read them. I’ve played right into their hands and become too busy and self-absorbed to care about anything. Something’s gotta go, but none of it is negotiable. I’m stuck.

The weather is gorgeous if not just a tad on the chilly side for my taste. The scenery is beautiful and it looks like there’s lots of great shopping. We’re staying in Santa Ana, and last night we drove to Laguna Beach for dinner and to walk around. Everything is so pretty, but I feel like I stepped into the twighlight zone. Although I don’t know if it’s CA or if it’s any club night life which I always avoid. Every waitress in every restaraunt so far is like model gorgeous, everyone out here is all liposuctioned, hair color from a bottle, perfect skin, glowing with confidence. I’m used to being at the top of the food chain back home. Here I’m chopped liver. So I’m not having the greatest time.

But I did have a weird thought on the plane yesterday. There was a woman with a bunch of celebrity gossip magazines, and my first thought was how sad the things are that Americans care about. Then it occurred to me, it’s not sad, it’s funny.

bad bad bad flu today
goodbye

“vanity stems from a lack of self-esteem”. This is so true I think. I’ve been feeling so much better lately and have been very proud because of it. But then I had to ask myself, what if I got in an accident or a fight and my face were permanently disfigured. All of my perceived spiritual gains would prove themselves to be products of my vanity, not authentic evolution. I would go tumbling into a state of depression so severe my life may not go on. Why this relentless attachment to appearance? I can’t figure it out. I guess it’s only intellectually that I understand I am not my body, but my heart hasn’t bought it yet.

Although, that’s exactly what I’m working on. I’m trying to break the belly fat>stress>cortisol>belly fat cycle I’m in. Also, as a note on Wednesday’s entry, Yes, I can be very happy at 133, I am infinitely grateful, but what if I were 143? or 200? No no no no. I’m working on surrendering, everything is perfect, always was, no matter what. My body is not something I AM, but something I HAVE. I AM the inperceptable emptiness at the core, and in between the electrons and atoms in my body. I will live forever and have many bodies, so why is something as microscopic as weight an issue? Because to me it represents a failure of power and control. It is a failure on the part of my soul/spirit/true nature to let something as insignificant as a body be in control. I (the true “I”) should have ultimate control over the temporary vehicle. So if I were to get fat it would be a spiritual failure. That’s why results are not the focus of my efforts, but just knowing that I’m actively making the appriate efforts is what makes me feel better. I realize this is COMPLETELY wrong and that the true spiritual lesson is surrender, not sure where to go from here. Once again, I’ve forgotten my point. My biggest problem is I’ll have this thought I want to talk about, so I’ll write myself a little sketchy note in hopes that it will jog my memory when it comes time to post, but it’s no good, the thought is passed and it’s hard to make a coherant post about it anymore.

I’m wearing my Oscar the Grouch t-shirt today, it says “Have a Rotten Day”. Now, some people might think that’s not a very nice thing to say. But I like this shirt because it reminds me to put things into perspective. Remember, Oscar the Grouch loves trash and filth and rotten things, so when he wishes you a rotten day, he’s wishing you something he finds pleasant. Or you could also look at it as though, our idea of a nice day would be a rotten day to Oscar. So he’s wishing you his idea of a rotten day, lovely weather, good luck with traffic, all the things we’d include in a nice day. Yeah, way over thinking it, but that’s what I do.

I’m doing something wrong and I can’t figure it out. In a 24 hour period, I should have eight hours to sleep, eight hours to exercise, train, and commute. Theoretically I should have eight hours for everything else I want to do. But I wind up with two. I think somehow someone is steeling my time. I have a leek somewhere but I just can’t seem to locate it. 10p – 6a is eight hours for sleeping. 8a – 11a gym + 3p-9p = nine hours of exercise, so ok, there’s one, but that should still leave me with 7. So I guess I have 6a-8a, there’s 2, 11a-3p, there’s 4, then 9p-10p, is the seventh. But when it’s all broken up like that I can’t get anything started or finished. So ok, 7 hours – roughly 2 hours preparing and eating meals = 5 – 1 hour showering and choosing outfit = 4 – 1 hour taking, cropping, and uploading daily picture and updating this site = 3 – 1 hour doing laundry, dishes, walking dog = 2 – 1 hour checking email, packing my bag for tae kwon do, reading a chapter here, meditating for a minute there = 1 hour – 1 hour for the accumulation of minutes where each of the previous items go over their calculated time, and that leaves me without a stitch sewn, a carpet vacuumed, a floor swept, a kitchen counter wiped, in over a month. This will never do, but I don’t know how to fix it. In the past I have always been brilliant and rearranging my schedule to fix this kind of problem, but this is the worst it’s ever gotten, and I have nothing to work with. I know this is boring to read, but I just had to get it out in print to see where I’m pissing away my time.

I just watched Jane Pauley where she was talking to women about fat and beauty images and stuff. This one woman spent some astronomical amount of money, like $15,000 or something for a month to lose weight. She lost two pounds. It got me to thinking how grateful I am that when I set out to lose weight, I may not lose as much as I want, but I lose what I need to. It also go me to thinking, if all of these women can have great self-esteem, be beautiful and amazing at 300 pounds, what’s keeping me from being happy at 133? It’s not that I’m not happy with how I look, it’s the constant worry that if I take a step a hair’s width off the path, that I’m doomed. It’s the feeling that how I look now is balancing on a needle. It’s not true, I am in good enough shape that if I take a day off (you know, that day) to baby myself, I am not going to gain weight. I am having kind of a weird day anyway because normally this is my ugliest, fattest, blackest day, but not this time. I wonder if it has anything to do with eradicating sugar in 98% of it’s forms? Debilitating pain yes, but no bloating, no ugliness, and no abysmal despair. What’s even better is that I may actually be bloated but all it’s doing is obscuring my progress and giving the illusion that I’m the same. I’ll find out in a few days if I have my usual three pount drop or not. Anyway, I’ve completely forgotten my point by now, have a great day everybody =)

I’m selling my Body Line dress. It’s just a littler fancier than my tastes are these days. I’ve only worn it twice, so it’s in excellent condition. Ebay is acting up and giving me an input error, even though I checked everything thoroghly, so I put it on Gothic Auctions instead. Check it out, and while you’re at it, the Little Devil t-shirt is ending today.
dress
t-shirt

I just about passed out when I saw this dog. I fell over and rolled on the floor with laughter. Not in ridicule mind you, but out of sheer joy at the overcoming of enormous obstacles. That dog kicks major ass!!!!

Hey everybody! I know civics class is probably a distant memory for many of us. But if I recall correctly, we are the government, despite what those half-witts in Washington want you to believe. I’ve signed the pettition for the Kyoto Treaty, and you can too. Don’t just sign it and go on, pass it along to as many people as you know.

I’m trying to compile a list of all the books I’ve read since around high school or so (roughly the last ten years). Pieced together from my enries on here, and just what I have lying around the house I am up to 116. But I know there are more. Do you suppose the library would give me a list of every book I’ve ever checked out? It’s bugging me because I have images of about five books and what they were about, but I can’t remember the titles, or even enough of them to look them up on amazon to find the rest. Maybe I’ll try the library. If the government can get a list of every book I’ve ever checked out, the doggonit, so can I!

Hey, I was just thinking…if you ate really healthy, and built up a beefy hard core immune system, would you be in super duper peril if you developed an autoimmune disease? Because your bad ass metabolism would be turned on you? Or is there research that suggests that an uber healthy diet can ward off autoimmune diseases?

I have to admit, I really don’t like Valentine’s Day as it was invented by the greeting card industry just to get people to buy stuff. But I don’t like to be a Scrooge, so Happy Valentine’s Day nonetheless to you all =) I am very happy to have an excuse to skip Tae Kwon Do tonight and have a nice dinner with my man!!

Blegh, don’t even want to talk today. I just watched a woman with multiple degenerative diseases, her body crumbling, her immune system a wasteland, fill her shopping cart with white bread, soda, Little Debbies, ice cream, and Frosted Flakes. Now keep in mind this is a woman I love very much, and Mike thinks I’m being condescending and self-righteous. But I really only care about people’s health and well being. I only want people to wake up to the way “they” are selling us poison when we’re young, then selling us the treatments for the damage. It’s not about me being better, I want EVERYONE to be better and take our f#$#cking health back!!! I look at all the sleeping helpless people fill up their bodies with the drugs (sugar, msg, fat, high fructose corn syrup, ritalin, antidepressents, painkillers, Viagra, etc), and I feel so helpless and so sorry. If it were about me being better than everyone else, why would I ever want them to wake up to the truth? Why wouldn’t I just keep it to myself for my own betterment?

And ANOTHER THING MIKE!!! You can go on and on about how the lazy and the drunk are a drain on the system. I can see how you have a problem with that, but how is that different than people who don’t watch what they eat draining the system!

Last night we went to see Lewis Black. It’s actually the second time we’ve seen him, I just adore his “Back in Black” segment on the Daily Show. He was perfect and spot on with everything. There was a point where he was comparing the New Testament god to the Old Testament god. He said “The God of the old testament, is a prick!” SILENCE, except two little people clapping, me and Mike. Although, I don’t think it was out of disagreement, I think most people just haven’t read it. Now, off I go to “count the mold” =) (he makes fun of Missouri because we are the only state who counts mold).

I know Japan uses Stevia to sweeten some of their products like sodas, candy, gum, etc. I have googled high and low to find a site that I can order these foods directly from Japan to no avail. Anyone have any direction for me? Mostly, I would be forever grateful if I could locate Stevia sweetened breath mints. Also, has anyone heard of Z-Cola and know where it’s being sold?

I’ve found myself completely engrossed in a novel today and have nothing interesting to report except to share this “Little Devil T-shirt” auction:

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=5361959844

Check out these cute pics of my baby today. He’s very protective of his lunch =)

Last night we went to see Mitch Hedberg. I just absolutely adore him. I love his animal humor most, but his play with language is so much fun, and he’s so cute =) He was talking about how Steven Lynch quit the tour, because he was going to be on Broadway. He said, “I’m going to be on Broadway too…buying a pizza. Then I’m going to go off Broadway…and eat it.” I checked out his site, and he’s actually selling cinnamon roll incense. Anyway, towards the end people just started shouting out the jokes they wanted to hear, which was kind of lame, it added a contrived element that I don’t like at comedy shows. I like it to be more like they’re just up there talking to us. But it was great, he kept making fun of himself and us, he’d come up with a lame joke on the spot, and then write it down in his notebook right there. “That joke sucked, but I’m going to write it down anyway.” Then he told one that people didn’t really laugh at, and he said “F#ck you, that joke was funny. You guys screwed up big time!” Ok, he sounds really lame in print, but when everything is put together with his persona and stuff it’s hilarious. It was nice because his humor is completely a-political and agenda free, he just notices stuff about life. “I find that a duck’s opinion of me is very dependent on whether or not I have bread.” “If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.” “Beavers have the greatest houses. Lake-side, screw that, lake-ON!”

My sister and her family are coming into town today! We’re going to a funky Latin restaurant for dinner, it looks like it might be challenging (being on a low-carb, diabetic, vegan diet, hating onions and all), but I’m happy to be spending time with my family. I’m exited, better get ready to go. Can’t wait to see the cute little nephew too =) TatA!!

Yesterday’s topic may have seemed a little narcissistic, but have you ever really thought about who you would have play your family and friends if your life were made into a movie? I think it’s a fun little exercise. Mike would have to be played by Gabriel Damon (the boy from Robocop II and Newsies?). My friend Matt would be Ethan Suplee, Joe would be John Cusack, my dad would be John Larroquette, my tae kwon do instructor would be John Saxon way back when he was in Enter the Dragon, my mom would be Annette Benning, my sister’s hubby would be Taye Diggs, Mike’s mom would be Uma Thurman, my sister would be Lauren Ambrose, and I’m still stuck on my mom’s husband, and my friend Kyle. Ideally I’d like Jesus for Kyle, but I hear he doesn’t do much acting these days.

We were talking at dinner tonight about which celebrities we find attractive. Mike was making fun of me for thinking fifty actors are hot, and he only likes two or so. He likes Kate Winslet and Christina Ricci. I said but at least all the guys I think are hot remind me of him in some way, like Elijah Wood or other guys with big eyes. Anyway, like two years ago, Mike told me he’d think about who I looked like and get back to me. After a year went by I told him he could make a combination. Like I think he looks like a cross between Elijah Wood and Bruce Ramsay (the guy from Hellraiser: Bloodline). I just wanted to use this as a tool for picturing myself. I don’t know if I’ve talked about this or not, I think I have. I have no concept of what I look like so I’m always trying to get someone else’s vantage point and it just doesn’t work. Anyway, he still can’t think of anybody. (If anyone says William B. Davis I’ll kill myself).

My mom sent me this gorgeous site. I am not a Christian, but I don’t think you have to be one to appreciate this. It’s kind of a departure from what I’d normally share, but I thought the photography was just breathtaking and I had to post it.

Mike found this site which I thought I would share. I can’t decide if it’s hilarious, or bizarre. I guess it’s both.

Does anyone have any familiarity with the golden ratio as it applies to facial beauty? That whole 1.618 thing? I found a site that tells you where to measure everything and then what to divide? According to my measurements I’m ugly as sin. The closest I ever got was 1.536, and the furthest one was .912. They give no indication that there is any range, like how far off you can be and still be reasonably un-homely. Does anyone know of a similar exercise, but it perhaps gives a point beyond which one would be considered ugly, rather than just 1.618 or not 1.618? But I guess based on this I’d consider myself average because I look like the “average” girl. (At least to myself, but whether or not my perceptions (bear or bare?) and resemblance to reality is arguable.) Mike disagreed with me that this ratio was worth much in actually determining beauty, and I gave him a chance to make me feel better by asking if he thought I was prettier than my measurements would suggest. He did not take it. =_( Now, if I took my picture and put that mask over it, like they did on that site, would I pay a plastic surgeon to rearrange my face to fit into it? Surprisingly, most of all to myself, if I could afford it, yes. I have NEVER considered myself so superficial, and have never in my life ever considered something so stupid. But after reading about this ratio and all the ways people prefer faces that display it, I can’t help but wonder if maybe my husband would tell me I’m pretty once in awhile, or maybe the tae kwon do kids would listen to me once in awhile, maybe I wouldn’t feel like such a ghost when I step outside. Yes this might have a little to do with the movie the other night, I always feel like such a pig face after watching any Asian cinema.

Please join me in a moment of silence on this black day in American history.

Hey, looky what Mike did for me yesterday. Over there on the right, now my galleries are right there so you don’t have to click through that middle page. But the cool thing is in my designs gallery. Each picture is now associated with all the daily photos that have that item in them, and also the customer photos that feature that item. I thought it might be a little more helpful when you’re trying to decide about commissioning something if you could see the items being worn. Thank you Mike, you’re awesome!!

Since I can’t be in DC for “turn your back on Bush” on the 20th, I might do this instead. There are also some buy-nothing days being organized, like “not one red cent” or “not one damn dime”. I plan on buying nothing, except sending the $120.00. Does that count?

I know I’m a little behind, but I just got my Gothic Lolita Bible 15 yesterday. I don’t remember, but it seems like I said this about the last one. It seems like each one has fewer and fewer clothes and more and more home decor, small accessories, and pages of text which I can’t read. But also, each one seemed to show the fashion evolve just a little bit, morphing from very sweet to more punk to more retro. But the fashions in this one seemed all very familiar, nothing really new and different. I think this has a lot to do with the fact that I’m not the biggest fan of winter fashion, I hate wearing a coat. Anyway, I will of course get the next one and the next one. I wonder how many they’ll make. I’ve stupidly gotten myself into it now and I have to own them all, then I was planning to sell the complete collection. But shipping would be astronomical just for the fifteen that I have. I don’t know, we’ll see =) I actually found myself flipping through a Vogue the other day _shudders. All the celebrities were wearing these low cut spaghetti strap dresses. The skirt parts were amazing and flowing and lovely, but the cut of the top parts looks awful. These are women with the most perfect bodies in the world (according to our culture), and these dresses just make their chests look droopy. But hey, I don’t know anything.

More on my thoughts from yesterday, it got me to thinking further about identity. I was just walking past my mail box the other day, and out of nowhere I got this detached from myself feeling. Like I saw everything about me that I consider to be “me” as just a roll. Like any good actor, my soul is supposed to get into this person, listen to a certain kind of music, like certain kinds of food, dress a certain way, do all these things that make up this particular identity known as “Eleanor”. I think if there is such a thing as hell, it would be if our souls become so fused with this identity so as to be unable to move on to the next roll, or whatever. And it seems as though all tensions between people, families, countries, etc, happen as a result of our confusing “my worldview” with “me”. Anyway, the feeling went away, and I couldn’t help but think that if I woke up tomorrow to find I was Tucker Carlson I would have to kill myself. Anyway, I’m rambling now, I don’t know what the f&$k I’m talking about. Never mind.

Then again, maybe our rolls do follow some kind of spiritual evolutionary progression. Maybe the thought of regressing should bother me on a spiritual level.

How bad does it have to get before we freak out? Can’t people see that there will never be one big thing to unite everyone? They’re going to do it little by little so people don’t notice. “Well, we didn’t question step B, and step C isn’t that much worse. Oh, step D isn’t that much worse then C, and we didn’t complain then, so why complain now?” On it goes until you have millions of gassed men, women, and children. And anyone who tried to speak out in Nazi Germany was also called an “alarmist.” Well…yeah…hello!!! hello again!. I don’t know what to do, all I can think of is to help people to wake up!

By the way, Congratulations Michael Moore!!!

I’m finally happy now, we got some snow. We have had no snow to speak of yet this year, and I just don’t feel complete until the first snow of the season. It was gorgeous too, huge chunks like a snow globe. I’m kind of bummed though because I love to watch it accumulate, and the club owners across the street shoveled it an hour after it started to get ready for their patrons, who never showed up. Anyway, today was made complete with the Beavis and Butthead marathon that was on tv today. God help me, that show always cracked me up, I have NO idea why.

I think I may have finally found the perfect noodle. Shirataki noodles have virtually no carbs, no calories, and no sugars. They’re made from yam flour, and best of all they don’t taste funky. You don’t even have to wait ten minutes to boil them, just through them in your stir fry and heat through. I love stir fry and I’ve been pushing lower and lower on the glycemic index with my noodles: rice then spelt, then soba, then mung bean, and now finally shirataki. I’ll still probably use the mung bean noodles once in awhile just because they’re so cool. They’re the clear gelatinous looking ones, I think they’re yummy. The only bummer is they don’t carry shirataki at Whole Foods or Wild Oats. I’ll either have to order them online, or call around to my local Asian grocers and hope maybe they carry them, because paying shipping for groceries sucks. And I’d eat them in large quantities. I’d need like five bags a week. Cooking question: for my stir fry I use non-stick cooking spray, Bragg liquid aminos, and stevia, all of which say zero calories on their label. I’m sure that’s not actually possible, but do you suppose all in all that’s a better choice than oil (120 cal per T) and soy sauce (30 cal per T) and sugar? Also, has anyone had any success baking with stevia? I got a cookbook from the library but haven’t tried it out yet. Some of the Amazon reviews of stevia baking books are pretty bad, they say their stuff either didn’t work or was nasty.

Mike and I were discussing some of the ideas of Buddhism the other day, and he raised a question that made me think a little. We were talking about attachments and how Buddhist teachings say that grasping and attachment are the cause of all of our suffering, and the only way to free ourselves from samsara, the cycle of suffering is to free ourselves from attachments. All the times I read this in the books it made so much sense. But Mike reminded me of my attitude towards taking depression medications like Prozac. I am totally against them because they medicate away your personality. I’ve heard a lot of people on anti-depressants say, “I’m not depressed anymore, but I’m never happy anymore either.” And I was thinking, yes, attachments are indeed the root of all of our suffering, but are they not also the root of all our joy in life? I’m very attached to my husband, and someday if he’s gone, the grasping will cause me much suffering. But the attachment makes my life with him very enjoyable in the present. If we didn’t have some sort of special attachment to each other, it would be a very lonely life. The feelings of warmth and love and companionship that I feel because I’m attached to him, are totally worth the suffering they will bring later on.

They also seem to talk about how nothing is good or bad in an of itself. We only perceive things as good or bad. One guy may annoy the hell out of me, but is absolutely adorable to his wife. I like black because it’s mysterious, flattering and goes with everything, my mom doesn’t like it, she thinks its a cold lifeless color. Is black good or bad? Neither, it a function of the observer. I believe this is true, but I’m not going to change the way I see things because of it. I realize my point of view is a perception and not the inherent reality of things, but it’s my experience and therefor my truth. It seems like a waste of a life, a waste of a manifestation if you don’t truly enter the realm of experience and give some merit to your observation point. Maybe that’s not what Buddhism has a problem with. Maybe it just becomes a problem when your point of view becomes your identity, and you believe your reality is the ultimate reality, which is a misconception that I do agree causes many problems in the world.

I don’t remember which book it was now, I’ve read so many, perhaps the Power of Now, but someone said something about the idea being to “die before you die”. The goal being to release your identity and ego and attachments to free yourself from suffering. But this is the very problem I have with Christianity as well. This whole notion that the point of life is to try to figure out ways not to live it.

Am I missing something, do I have it all wrong?

The other day during kickboxing, my instructor told me he had come up with a nickname for me. He called me Powder Blue Death. I kind of dug it and told Mike about it. It cracked him up so much that he registered the domain name in case I ever wanted to change my site to that name. What do you guys think?

Did everyone have a good time last night? We had a nice time playing board games with friends and Mike’s grandma’s. Then we came home and made fun of the drunks at the clubs outside my house. I’m feeling really good about my resolutions. My exercise schedule and diet are going to be completely automatic and non-negotiable. I’m leaving myself no room for speculation, it’s just the way things are going to be. I don’t usually like to be so inflexible, but I’m hoping it will free up my brain cells for more important things. It is one of my resolutions not to be so obsessed, and to write about more interesting things than my childish narcissistic body image.

Because of my aversion to mainstream media, I have been totally uninformed when it