My dad loaned me One Taste by Ken Wilber. I have many many pages with the corners turned down, so I’ll probably be posting on this several different time to talk about different things. Let me just see what’s first, hmm..

I and many others do a lot of criticizing of Christians because they’re always going around trying to convert other people, and that pisses a lot of us off, me especially. But when I read this:
“What would motivate you if you saw everything as the dream of your own highest Self? What would actually move you in this playful dream world? Everything in the dream is basically fun, at some deep level, exept for this: when you see your friends suffering because they think the dream is real, you want to relieve their suffering, you want them to wake up, too. Watching them suffer is not fun. And so a deep and powerful compassion arises in the heart of the awakened ones, and they seek, above all else, to awaken others-and thus relieve them from the sorrow and the pity, the torment and the pain, the terror and the anguish that comes from taking with dreadful seriousness the passing dream of life.”
I totally related to that, but then realized the hypocrisy of looking down on that feeling in others just because what they’ve found is different than what I’ve found. I don’t know everyone’s motives, but I know some Christians out there have found genuine peace and happiness in what they believe, and want to offer it to others to relieve their unhappiness. Those I cannot criticize. Also, if someone does believe in such a thing as hell, and they think enough of me not to want me to go there, then I appreciate them as well. Anyway, the point is, I’m working on a little bit of heart softening here. Plus, I need to clear this up with myself before I can think about waking up other people.

My dad loaned me a book to read called Buddhism is Not What You Think. It was pretty repetative, which made it a little boring in parts. But there was one sentence that sums everything up to perfection. “There’s no way here.” Sometimes I go back to review a book and I can’t say for sure what it was about, I’m glad do know I’m not alone:
“We sometimes find it disquieting just to sit ad listen, not taking hold of anything. We hear a Dharma talk and afterward when someone asks us about it, we say, “It was good.” What was it about?” they ask. To our surprise, we find we can’t say. Still, we feel like we got a lot out of the talk, even though we didn’t wak away with anything particular-that is, with anything we could grasp.”
Sorry if that makes for bad book reviews =)

I just finished reading Zen Lessons, the Art of Leadership. Oh my god, boring as F$#%k!

So while I was sitting in the salon chair the other day I got a ton of reading done. I read an entire book (little book) called Jonathan Livingston Seagull. It’s very short, and most of the pages are only pictures of seagulls. It’s a parable about a seagull who isn’t satisfied with flying just to eat like the rest of the flock. He strives to master flying and find that there’s something more to life, becomes outcast because of it… Anyway, the story is a spiritual metaphor, and it’s adorable and uplifting. I’d read it once when I was a little kid, but then it was just a story about a seagull.

I just finished reading A Sideways Look at Time. I’m having a hard time figuring out where to start. It shares a lot about how indigenous cultures view time, and then takes a turn towards a feminist approach and discusses women’s time versus men’s time, then naturally against western culture. It is very fast paced and she seems to jump from subject to subject sporadically and randomly. That sounds like a criticism, but I actually adored the poetic rambling. Let me see, I have some corners turned down.

“The U’wa people in Columbia consider the “past” of nature in the oil reserves underground as the “blood of the earth” and say that their land is “alive” with oil, coursing like blood in the veins. It is sacred and must be left undisturbed. To take out the oil is to kill the land and themselves, for without the land, they say, they “are not.” They say they will commit collective suicide if the plans to extract oil from their territories go ahead. The oil from U’wa lands would, it was thought, sustain global energy demands for a maximum of three months: thousands of years of sacred indigenous past gone to fuel ninety days of the Western present. Occidental epistemology gives rise to occidental exploitation and the U’wa lands have been threatened by the all too aptly named “Occidental” U.S. oil corporation.”

She quotes John McPhee, “Consider the earth’s history as the old measure of the English yard, the distance from the king’s nose to the tip of his outstretched hand. One stroke of a nail file on his middle finger erases human history.”

I finally finished reading America the Book, a Citizen’s Guide to Democracy Inaction. OH my goodness it is hilarious. However, I know this shouldn’t be a point against it, but it’s so unbiased. Usually Jon Stewart is a little more bitingly liberal, but this book waters that down a little bit. The other thing is, I know there was a strand of factual stuff in there, but there’s no way to tease it out. If there’s any group that really gets a ripping it’s the media. He’s always been very vocal about the dismal state of our “infotainment.”

I just finished reading Power vs. Force. It’s too bad because there was a lot of positive empowering stuff in it, but I have to write it off as hooey. First off, I disagree with the basic premise that there is an ultimate reality, an objective truth to everything. Everything possesses the qualities that our own mind project on it. I just about put it down and didn’t finish it when it claimed that Wal-Mart calibrated very high on it’s little kinesiological “truth-o-meter”, and also country music. It also claims that our evolution is reflected in our job position, that CEO’s are more evolved than carpenters, except Jesus I guess. Zen doesn’t need to calibrate everything and rank everything for it’s spiritual evolvement, that’s a function of the ego, which betrays the “unusually high” truth rating the writer gave himself. Here’s another statement I disagree with:
“An architecturally ugly neighborhood becomes part of a feedback loop of blight and violence; the sleazy, dehumanized housing projects of urban ghettos manifest their weak power patterns in squalor and crime.” I don’t know how it is in any other city, but the ghettos in my city were formerly the most beautiful old houses you ever did see. My city has beautiful architecture, amazing old homes, but that’s where our violent neighborhoods developed. There were however a few statements I did agree with, I posted a couple of them before, but this one I liked because it rephrased exactly something I’ve said in conversations in the past. “There is no anti-depressant that will cure a depression that’s spiritually based, for the malaise doesn’t originate from brain dysfunction, but from an accurate response to the desecration of life.”

I’m reading a book right now called Power vs. Force. I’m going to review it when I’m done, which is leaning towards a non-recommendation, I’m even tempted not to finish it. But there’s one statement that got me to thinking. When speaking of addiction, he says, “The actual effect of drugs is merely to suppress the lower energy fields, thereby allowing the user to exclusively experience the higher ones. It’s as though a filter screened out all the lower tones coming from an orchestra so that all that could be heard were the high notes. The suppression of the low notes doesn’t create the high ones; it merely reveals them.” It got me to thinking about my perceieved state of “getting better.” I’ve been feeling so great the last couple weeks, thinking to myself, “I’m coming out of this =)!!!” I had a great conversation with my dad the other night about zen and the perfection of the universe and existance and it’s realliy colored the way I’ve been seeing things. But when I read that sentence, it made me realize a sad truth. I’m not actually experiencing some new authentic self-esteem. I have not accepted myself as perfect as is, like the universe. I have just started to achieve the results I’ve always wanted. By working my ass off I am finally starting to see a body I can be proud of emerge, I am doing things that make me feel good about myself. I have not overcome anything, I’ve only eliminated the lower state of anxiety that came with being overweight, thereby freeing up my mind for what it perceives as higher thoughts. This may on some level sound like an ok achievement, but it is not. As long as my confidence is so conditional, it is meaningless.

I just finished reading What Would Jefferson Do?. I really learned a whole whole lot. I love Thom Hartmann’s books anyway, but this one is especially great. I particularly like learning things I can REMEMBER and then tell other people about. He dispels many myths that the neo-cons try to perpetuate about our founding fathers and about government being by, of, and for the people. He also dispelled some damaging mythology about our country being founded as a Christian nation. All the Jefferson quotes they try to use to push that lie are taken completely out of context. If you really want to arm yourself for arguements on such topics, I strongly suggest reading this.

I just finished reading The Da Vinci Code. I was given the illustrated edition as a Christmas gift and the photos are amazing. As for the main idea, I already knew that, in fact, I’d read to of the books they mention on the topic. But I did learn a few little things along the way, particularly interesting was how Venus’ eight year path in the sky is a pentacle. All I know is I got nothing done this week at all, it completely sucked me in. It was kind of predictable, but that’s ok, I can usually never see stuff coming, so it made me feel good. This is why I never read novels, I can’t put them down, in fact I skipped the gym twice this week, that’s so sad.

I just finished reading The Slow Poisoning of America. I immediately gave it to my sister to read and I wish I could send every one of you a copy. It deals mostly with fluoride, MSG, and aspartame. I have to say that 90% of the information was stuff I’d heard in different places different times, but it’s nice to have everything together all in one resource. It sites tons of studies, and everything it said in the stevia chapter was stuff I’d already known. But I didn’t know all the benefits of melatonin, I’m probably going to try one bottle of it to see if it makes a difference. Anyway, the lousy thing is, MSG has so many names, and it’s in EVERYTHING, even the stuff I buy from the health food store. And he gives no alternatives, or products that don’t use MSG. And just because it says “no msg” doesn’t mean there isn’t already msg in some of the other ingredients. He does list what most of them are, and they are almost all in the stuff I depend on. I want to make a tasty stir fry, so I guess I have to mix my own sauce. Can I even do that if I cannot buy pure ingredients? Any suggestions, what seasonings are good?

I just finished reading Amygdala’s Memory. There were points where he started to have a communist sounding leaning, but overall, I agree with pretty much everything he said. I wish I could quote the entire thing, but I’ll just open some pages at random because there’s great quotes everywhere. It’s basically about how neo-con though is driven by the survival instincts of the reptilian part of the brain. Here’s some (sorry if these bore or offend you):

“The ego-complex abhors talk or assured well-being (guaranteed income, livable minimum wage, safety net) because it would remove people from the rolls of insecurity and desperation, the conditions which give selfish ego the opportunity to manipulate for personal advantage. The best assurance to ego of its well-doing is the poor-doing of others.”

“The selfish ego-complex wants freedom (non-regulation) from the restraints of justice to acquire social advantages which it then wants society to protect in the name of justice.”

“Most persons are not greedy for wealth and power, only the most pathologically fearful.”

“Education that does not aim at growing the human soul from the dimness of its creation into the full light of understanding, but merely trains the partial mind for an expedient roll in society’s business is lowering the soul from its passion to understand to a mere task performing intelligence.”

But my favorite chapter is when he talks about current American Christianity. I think he echos a lot of the reasons I do not consider myself a Christian.

“It is the religion of salvation, of forgiveness – I cannot or will not repent (overcome my ego) so save me anyway.”

“Pauline religion did urge transformation – be thee therefore of the mind of Christ – but dropped its priority for the easier burden of proclaim your faith in Jesus Christ as having died for your sins and be hereby forgiven…saved to eternal life – ego did not have to “die” to be saved.”

“Jesus was calling the Jewish left brain to leave its ego-complex definitions and follow its right brain intuitions of God’s love into works of compassion rather than exclusion. And the go-complex establishment killed him for it.”

“The prophetic religion of repentance that Jesus taught, the call for heart to overcome ego, was turned by Paul into a religion of salvation for the ego-complex.”

*My personal favorite – “The very notions that are held by so many – of the innocent being killed to forgive the guilty, and of blood sacrifice, are moral abominations. The idea of a loving Father killing the son who loves him most in order to impress his love and forgiveness upon the sons and daughters who love him less is wholly irrational…The idea of Jesus dying to forgive their moral debt is plausible only to those who believe, like Paul, that they do not have the personal ability to be responsible for their own debt. Salvation without repentance is typical ego-complex greed for profit beyond effort…to reap where one has not sown.”

“Jesus’ religion was right brain passion for social justice based on his intuition of God’s will – “God is love.” Paul’s Christianity was, and is, left brain ego-complex desire for personal salvation from guilt and fear.”

*Another great one “And so Christianity, which became left brained through Paul, has been more about redeeming the individual sinner than transforming the unjust community.”

And here’s a particularly interesting thought:
“Charity does not challenge the legitimacy of power. Rather, it reinforces the subordination of the recipient…telling him that what he receives is not his due in justice, but a gift of the benefactor’s goodness. The insidiousness of charity relieves the guilt of the wealthy, emaciates the indignation of the poor, cloaks exploitation in goodness, obscures the demands of justice, lays the appearance of ingratitude upon the demands of justice, and allows selfishness to hide behind the veil of benevolence.”

And this one I like best:
“They told themselves he died FOR their sin. But in truth he died BECAUSE of their sin…because their selfish fear did not have the courage to follow his heart down the path to finding their own…because in their fear they called for Pilate to kill him..because he asked too much…because he asked them to love each other.”

I finally finished The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying. A lot of it I’ve already talked about, so this won’t be long. It was very specific to Buddhism, not a lot of general thought. He places very heavy importance on having the guidance of a master and how that’s the only way to make use of the teachings. Then the descriptions of the after life (or bardos or whatever) sound very specific and that only Buddhism understands them correctly. This is exactly what turns me off about Christianity, it’s exclusiveness, and this is the first Buddhist writing I have ever read that expresses so much of it. In general I enjoyed it and learned a lot. But I’d recommend it more if you are interested in learning more about specifically Tibetan Buddhism, and not general philosophy about death and dying. Then again, maybe I should say it’s a must read for hospice workers or nurses, because there are a lot of great meditation practices described.

There were a few things I just wanted to share from the Tibetan Book of Living and Dying. A quote on page 116 reads, “we cannot remember our true identity, our original nature. Frantically, and in real dread, we cast around and improvise another identity, one we clutch onto with all the desperation of someone falling continuously into an abyss. This false and ignorantly assumed identity is “ego.”” The problem is that none of these books ever help us discover what our “true identity” or “original nature” is. And page 117 “The fact that we need to grasp at all and go on and on grasping shows that in the depths of our being we know that the self does not inherently exist. From this secret, unnerving knowledge spring all our fundamental insecurities and fear.” I was just glad to hear someone else say what I’d been suspecting all along.

I’m still reading the Tibetan Book of Living and Dying. It’s taking me a very long time because I only have like twenty minutes a week to read it. But anyway, I had to share this little story from the beginning of the fourth chapter. It’s a “story of an old frog who had lived all his life in a dank well. One day a frog from the sea paid him a visit.
“Where do you come from?” asked the frog in the well.
“From the great ocean,” he replied.
” How big is your ocean?”
“It’s gigantic.”
“You mean about a quarter of the size of my well here?”
“Bigger.”
“Bigger? You mean half as big?”
“No, even bigger.”
“Is it… as big as this well?”
“There’s no comparison.”
“That’s impossible! I’ve got to see this for myself.”
They set off together. When the frog from the well saw the ocean, it was such a shock that his head just exploded into pieces.”

I just finished reading Man’s Search for Ultimate Meaning. Well, I’m embarrassed to say, I understood very little of it at all. It seemed mostly geared towards psychotherapists and psychoanalysts or something. It was mostly way above my head. But what little kernels I was able to grasp put me on some interesting trains of though. I’m not sure if I understood what he meant, but it got me to thinking anyway. I don’t remember now what he said that made me think about this, but I got to wondering about that nothingness I find deep down inside me? Does anyone remember me talking about how after pealing back all the layers of my being, at the core I find no seed of truth, no “thing” that is the real me? I used to take this to mean there was nothing there, but really, there is still something observing even that. Maybe the truth is, we cannot truly observe ourselves, and the fact that I can observe my body, my mind, my inner layers, means that those things are not really “me”. What lies at very deepest level appears to be nothing because it cannot observe itself, and so I actually did find something. Does that make any sense? Another interesting thing he said was “We psychiatrists have met many patients who are suffering from, and crippled by, the obsessive compulsion to analyze themselves, to observe and watch themselves, to reflect upon themselves.” Sound like anyone? He relates this to a boomerang, when man has grown frustrated with his search for meaning outside of himself, he returns to self interpretation. This makes some sense considering that I still feel I have not found a purpose or a meaning to my life. And here’s something to think about when reflecting on our system of punishment in this country. I know some people may disagree with me, but I’ve always felt our penal system was abysmally lacking. He cited a study that concluded “criminality and purpose in life are inversely related. The irony is that the more persistently a man offends, the more likely he is to be sentenced to increasing terms of imprisonment and the less likely he is to increase his sense of purpose in life, and so the more likely he is to continue offending when released.” The last thing I wanted to mention was his relating meaning in life to a movie. I’ll leave you with this great quote: “It consists of thousands upon thousands of individual pictures, and each of them makes sense and carries a meaning, yet the meaning of the whole film cannot be seen before its last sequence is shown. On the other hand, we cannot understand the whole film without having first understood each of its components, each of the individual pictures. Isn’t it the same with life?”

I just finished reading The Matrix and Philosophy. Maybe it was because I was trying to read it while working out, but I got very little from it. All of the essays made the same references which grew tiresome after the first few, particularly the reference to Plato’s cave. I recommend Taking the Red Pill Science Philosophy and Religion in the Matrix. I learned a ton more in that one.

I just finished reading The Diamond Cutter. It was a lot more relevant than I thought it would be. It is one of the most practical and accessible writings on Buddhism I’ve read yet. I also liked how he never took a superior tone. One of the big things I took from it is that things in this world rarely if ever have an absolute quality. That is, a quality that emanates from the object, person, or situation itself so as to be perceived in an identical way by all observers. He used the example of his red-faced boss yelling at him. He perceived him to be a scary menacing yelling guy, but if his wife were to enter the room and watch, she would perceive him being strong and authoritative and may be enamored by him. Whereas someone else in the room who didn’t like him may be taking pleasure in the fact that he was getting yelled at. The point being, there isn’t a single absolute quality emanating from the boss or all three observers would see him the same way. Our perceptions of things are a function of our own projections and imprints in our own mind. Anyway, this thinking has helped me to see the world as a blank coloring book, and I fill it in any way I want. If my world is full of negativity, it’s because I painted it there. But I also got to thinking about my style and why my clothes are so important to me. It’s as though I am not comfortable leaving anything up to other people’s imprints. I want to dictate to the world how I want to be seen, rather than wear the blank canvas of jeans and a t-shirt and let people paint me however they see fit. I know my ability to have that kind of control is an illusion, and maybe the only observer’s perception I can influence is my own, but that’s ok with me, my perception of myself is important to me too. Anyway, enough of that blah blah blah. While I was at it, I also learned a little bit about the diamond industry =)

Here’s another book I’m not going to wait til I finish it to talk about it. The Better World Handbook is such a comprehensive and complete reference. Not just the advice but it gives a whole slew of websites, organizations, and other resources. The reason I’m not waiting until I’m done reading it is because I’m actually going through it item by item and doing my best to do each thing. I started it two months ago and I’m just getting through the first section on money/banking/investing. I haven’t changed stuff that drastically, but it’s still a slow going process. What I’ve done so far is I got rid of all my credit cards and just use an ASPCA mastercard, and I’ve vowed to myself not to put more on it than I can pay at once. The next thing I am going to do is talk to someone about moving my 401K thingy from my old work into more socially responsible stuff, at least as much as is possible. The other sections are shopping, food, personal, friends and family, community, home, work, media, politics, transportation, and travel. I know I’m not going to be able to do everything, but I’m going to do everything that I can.

I just read The Zen of Eating. It was ok I suppose, but not great. It was well intentioned but very vague, at least for me. I specifically sought out a book that relates Buddhism to eating disorders, and this was the closest thing I could find. It’s set up by the Four Noble Truths, then the Eight-fold Path and gives a wonderful simple overview of all that, but only briefly and slightly relates it to food, and hardly at all to disorders. Does anyone get the idea of what I’m looking for and have any suggestions? This isn’t to say I didn’t get anything from it. I like the suggestion of making my eating choices almost religious or spiritual, that way they have more importance and more meaningful consequences, rather than just empty dieting. The other thing was how we make our body shape and eating habits as being part of our identity. I have to somehow untangle my measurements from my identity. But then, there wasn’t much discussion of ways to go about doing this. On the other hand, I could see where making not eating certain foods part of my identity could actually help my problem. I’d never be tempted to eat crap because my identity would be connected with healthy eating. But this is one area where I deviate from Buddhist thinking. I believe there are certain benefits to having an identity.

I wish I’d written this yesterday when it was fresh and the creative juices were flowing. Now I have to recall what I was thinking. Anyway, I’m reading the Tibetan Book of Living and Dying. It’s so big and covers so much ground that I don’t think I’ll review it when I’m done like usual. Instead I’ll just talk about anything that comes to mind as I go. Anyway, yesterday I was reading along and I came to the chapter on life after death. Now, as much in despair as I was on Saturday, I believe this is no coincidence. He talked a little about near death experiences, which I now discount because of latent electrical activity in the brain. But anyway, he also talked about reincarnation, and told some fascinating stories about people who remember things about their past lives, and know things that no one could know about far away places and objects unless they had been who they say. He also suggested this would explain child prodigies. It’s weird that I’d be reading this now for another reason. I’ve had dreams, one occurred recently, of certain places that I’ve never been. But what’s weird is they felt more like memories than dreams of new things. I dreamt a few days ago of a room in the house I grew up in, I remembered it like I’d been there lots of times, but when I woke up and tried to picture where that room was, all the rooms in my childhood home materializing, this room didn’t actually exist in that house. This wouldn’t be so weird if it were a place I didn’t recognize, but it felt so much more like a memory than a dream. I don’t know if that made any sense, but it’s happened to me many times. I dream of places I remember being a million times, then when I wake up, I can’t match them to any of my real memories. Maybe this doesn’t mean sh$&t, maybe it’s a trick dreams can play on you by making themselves feel like memories, but the one the other day has stuck with me for some reason. Anyway, the other thing that interested me was how he talked about vibrations. The universe is in an eternal cycle of expansion and contraction, everything we perceive as constant is actually a vibration, light, sound, etc, and electrical current (which happens to be part of our brain function?). Anyway, he said something to the affect that our consciousness is also vibrations. It’s wrong to perceive our consciousness as “on” for a 75 year span, but “off” for ever before and after. But that our consciousness too is in an infinite on/off cycle. So, I’m feeling better for the moment, but in a few months I will have forgotten all this and some scary movie will having me back in despair. So I’m on a despair/epiphany wave also, fitting.

I just finished reading Abarat. I don’t know if I’ve shared this with you before, but I used to be a Huuuuuuuuuge Clive Barker fan. I shouldn’t say “was”, but I haven’t been a very good one lately. Apparently I missed his last book. But I’ve read all his others, all his short stories, and even his plays. One of my favorite pieces of art in my house is a print of Pie’Oh’Pah from Imajica. Anyway, Abarat is a kids book like Thief of Always. It’s been awhile since I’ve read fiction, and I was so happy to be taken away by the Sea of Izabella like Alice in Wonderland to a fantastical archipelago filled with the richest flora and fauna of any imagination. Clive Barker is just a genius to me. I do enjoy his adult books better though, deeper, darker, dirtier if you know what I mean ;) Still, I can’t wait to read the second book of Abarat!

I just read Beyond Belief, the Secret Gospel of Thomas. Well, she certainly talks more about the Gospel of John than of the Gospel of Thomas, although Thomas is printed in the back. I didn’t read it though, I read it many years ago, but I don’t remember very much of it. Anyway, interesting idea, but it was way too much history to be crammed into such a small volume. It felt sketchy and I only felt I learned a tiny bit. So many names ARGH! It may have made a better PBS special with paintings and stuff to go along with it. Sorry, I’m a little ADD. Also, it felt like a lot of conjecture and very little fact.

Finally finished another book the other day called The Zen Teachings of Jesus. Oh how I wish I had more time to read it again, and yet again. There’s too much for my little mind to retain. It is masterful and has helped me see Jesus’ teachings in a brilliant new light, one that I can believe in. His interpretations are so profound, but I can’t go into any more detail. I’m going to have to read it again. There’s something wrong with my mind. I remember agreeing with every sentence, but I don’t remember a damn thing now. I made the mistake of reading it at the gym and it deserves more attention than that.

Ah, finally getting a little reading done. I just finished The Accidental Buddhist. It was a relatively light read. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one in the world with a “monkey mind” =) Anyway, it’s kind of the story of this guy’s search through American Buddhism. He visits different monasteries and zendos and talks about his progress and meditation and stuff. Once again, nothing new, but I always need to be reminded of certain things. Reading about Buddhism was really helpful this week. I’d forgotten about the whole yin yang thing. Who am I if not someone raging against the moral majority? If the rest of the world weren’t stupid, I would loose a part of my identity =) I know this may not be particularly Buddhist, but that’s the path it got me to thinking on.

I just finished reading A Path to Liberation, a Spiritual and Philosophical Approach to the Martial Arts. My dad had recommended it to me as a quick read. It was ok I guess. It was more like a really long black belt paper. We have to write twenty page papers for each black belt test on some topic our instructor gives us. Mine was My Martial Art Life, Mike’s was Effort and Perseverance. Anyway, it wasn’t a terribly deep book, although I got the feeling the writer has tons and tons of insight and experience that were beyond the scope of this simple little book. I’d actually recommend it to someone who does not currently practicing martial arts but is considering it and wondering how to choose a school. For me it was an easy yet not too terribly interesting read on the treadmill.

I finished reading Letting Go of the Person You Used to Be. I’m not sure why I got it. It was one of those fifty cents when you agree to buy two more books or something deals. So for fifty cents I ordered like seven books I was interested in but would never pay full price for. Maybe that’s why I haven’t read through a book in awhile, none of them could hold my attention for more than a couple chapters. I actually finished this one because the book itself was physically small and made it handy for reading on the ArcTrainer. It was ok, kind of simplistic, not pertinent to my current struggle. I did like most of the meditations and the description of chod practice. But all this thinking about non-attachment and impermanence has left me not caring about much. I wonder if it has anything to do with my vanishing moral compass and my inability to write my paper for tae kwon do? By vanishing moral compass I don’t mean that I’ve been doing more and more bad things. It’s just that when examining what I consider right and wrong, it’s all very subjective. I would never cheat on my husband, but downloading all my music for free is ok? I won’t eat land going meat, but I’ll eat fish. How do I decide these things? It’s according to whatever suits my needs best, and that’s what bothers me. Ok, so I wandered off subject a little there.

I just finished reading Living the Martial Way. It is so straightforward and easy to understand. No words minced, no corners cut. It’s a fabulous manual for a way a warrior should live. It gives me a little food for thought on how to train. I especially liked the diet and exercise chapter, his diet advice was exactly what my natural wisdom had told me. Whole grains! Some good stretching advice also. I didn’t know stretching afterwards was so much more important that stretching before. Anyway, that’s just surface stuff, the philosophy and stuff is also helpful. It wasn’t too deep or heavy, just “how to” enough that I totally got it. Having read it, I’ve determined that I am indeed NOT a warrior, but it was interesting nonetheless. I am not prepared to die or to kill someone.

I just finished reading Perfect Husbands and Other Fairy Tales. It a departure from the kind of stuff I would normally read, but it was interesting anyway. She talked about the politics of marriage and the messages we get from the media and stories growing up about what to expect, and what the reality is. The main point I thought was interesting was how often marriage is held up as an end goal in itself, and that it’s the only thing we celebrate BEFORE we have succeeded in it. It’s all about how to get someone to marry you, never about how to survive the journey that marriage really is. It was a terribly unromantic book to be sure. It mentioned the dynamics of who we choose and why, and then why we grow to hate them. It’s weird that I would choose to read it now of all times. I have been and always will be pitifully prone to crushes. I’ve had many over the course of my five year marriage, and while that may sound like a bad thing, each one gives me a chance to fall in love with Mike all over again. I could never fall in love with anyone else, but I do so enjoy the attention. When I develop a crush, it’s like my heart opens up to become this vortex, and I get this inverted sucking feeing. It says “fill me, pay attention to me, notice me, love me even though I won’t return it.” Eventually when I don’t get what I want, I’ll slowly forget about it, a little humbled. The one time I did get what I wanted, I had to reject him of course and happily go on my way with inflated self-esteem. I feel I have to do this once in awhile to regain Mike’s “otherness”. I think we become too much a part of each other and need to pull apart occasionally just for the pleasure of pulling back together. We need to reclaim our “man” and “woman” status from the “Mikeanor”.

I just finished reading The Diet Cure. Overall it helped me immensely. The only thing I didn’t like was it’s heavy emphasis on dietary supplements. I started out thinking I might try some, but when you get to the part where you’re supposed to decide your personal plan, it gets super complicated. Then you go to buy them, and of course all the labels say to consult your doctor before you take them. Yeah, I know I know, they have to put that on there and I’d probably be ok, but it makes me paranoid. It took Metabolife for 3 years without supervision and I think I screwed my system up royally. I did decide to buy a blood sugar balancing supplement, and Bragg amino acid spray (which is awesome for scrambled eggs, mmm.) Anyway, the meal plans and ideas are excellent and I can’t wait to go grocery shopping.

I just finished reading The W Effect, Bush’s War on Women. It is basically a huge collection of articles covering a wide range of topics, environment, reproductive rights, etc. They were almost all reprinted from various magazines and such, but it’s kind of handy to have them all in one place. It read like a really really big issue of The Nation with a feminist theme. Anyway, it’s another one of those references that makes you more angry then hopeful.

Last night we watched The Magdalene Sisters. It’s about three girls who for varying reasons get thrown in this laborcamp/convent/reformatory of sorts in Ireland in the 60’s. It’s based on a true story I guess, movies that are so depressing and awful usually are. It’s another one of those “thank you” movies. You know, the credits role, you get up and say thank you to every one of your possessions, pets, family, etc, kind of like Shawshank Redemption.

Yesterday I bought a booklet called Earth Score. It was a really handy little resource for evaluating the implications of your purchases and actions. My “impact rating” is 340 which puts me in the “average citizen” range, and my “action rating” is 180 which is “good”. It’s great, it breaks down your habits into categories like water, household energy, transportation, family planning, etc. Then it has two scores for each, your impact, and then your action, what you do that’s positive. Then for each question it has a little paragraph explaining why it’s important and what you can do to improve. It makes it easy to pick and choose the ways that you can do better that fit into your lifestye. There’s a chart in the middle that I haven’t taken out and looked at yet, but I’m going to and maybe figure out a plan to improve both of my scores. They weren’t bad, but I’d like them to be better. Anyway, if anyone cares about this sort of thing but doesn’t know where to begin, I recommend this booklet. It’s really in depth and very helpful in putting you on the right track. As an added incentive, many of the tips will save you money as well.

I just finished reading Genesis of the Grail Kings. Wow, I don’t know what to think. When I first started reading it I was so exited to have finally found a resource with such great research to confirm all of the things I knew to be untrue about the Bible. I was reading along nicely, until he makes some major leaps in logic. But something about the way he writes makes you leap right along with him. He says things that normally would make you say “What the F##$?? Whatever!” But he writes so confidently and stridently that you go “Oh ok, that makes sense =)” Anyway, the main thing that I am certain of from the book is that the old testament is basically the Hebrew re-write of existing ancient Mesopotamian and Egyptian texts. Another thing that turned out to be true was his discussion of telomeres and the finite dividing power of our cells, and that an amino acid has been discovered that can extend the number of divisions, resulting in a lengthened life span. Otherwise, his assertions that the Annunaki were aliens, and that the pyramids were built with a levitating superconductor created powder (or something), are a little out there. But he backs up all the alchemical stuff with what seems like sound science. Almost one third of the book is references. Are there any believers out there? Or anyone that wants to confirm for me that this dude is a quack?

I just finished reading Memories of God and Creation. I have mixed feelings about it. Basically it’s this doctor who wrote down everything her patient’s said under hypnosis about what they remember of being one with God and being created, etc. I have to agree with the amazon reviewer that there may have been some leading going on. I think it was well intentioned, but so full of those special kind of contradictions that are like nails on a chalkboard to me. Like EVERYTHING is planned out to the letter, but we still have free will? Everything bad that happens to us is karma or a lesson, but people have their own free will to do bad things to us? You can choose to be aborted to balance out some karma, but ultimately it’s the mother’s free will, therefor fault? These are just a few that come to mind, but the book is rife with them. It was kind of uplifting in places if not taken to literally, but otherwise I give it a D.

I just finished reading The Goddess in the Gospels. It was more of a personal memoir, not a place to go for much information. I loved reading about the synchronicities that led to her book The Woman with the Alabaster Jar. There was a short description of gematria, but otherwise I didn’t learn much, but that wasn’t the point of the book anyway, it was her spiritual journey.

I’ve been reading The Goddess in the Gospels which is written by the Woman with the Alabaster Jar author about her personal journey or uncovering the grail heresy. When she started to uncover the truth, she had a nervous breakdown and was hospitalized. It made me realize, that people like Mike’s grandma’s and others in the world are so identified with their indoctrination. I’ve been trying to push the envelope with some people, thinking they’re mind is like mine. But after reading this book it’s brought it to my attention that this might not be a very “nice” thing to do. I sometimes just write people off as stupid or closed minded, but when you hold something so deeply as truth, and you’ve lived and build your life around it, uprooting that is really a life altering big deal, and I don’t want to be responsible for that. It leaves me a little confused direction wise. I have been looking for my purpose to involve changing people’s minds, to wake people up. But I’ve realized that that’s not always the right thing to do. So what for me then? ~sigh

I just finished reading The Woman with the Alabaster Jar. The topic is absolutely fascinating. I think to fascinating for this small volume. Basically, she had me convinced in the first chapter that Mary Magdalen was Jesus’ wife and that the “grail” was her womb and the “blood” it contained was his bloodline. What I wanted to know from there was the why and how it was stricken from the record. But she went on and on showing the symbolism the heretics used in their art and music for their belief. This makes me want to take a symbolism in art class alone, but it’s not what I was looking for in this book. Cover to cover it is packed with interesting info, but it felt like just the foamy crests from an ocean of history. It was a good starting place and now I’m going to seek out more books on the topic. Except the Da Vinci Code, only because it’s a story and I don’t have time for that. Anyway, it was a fantastic intro to heresy! Yay Heresy!!!

Yesterday I got sick very suddenly, I still feel like crap today, but marginally less like a corpse. Anywho, I actaully got to get some read reading done. I am currently reading Living Zen, Loving God. I’m not sure if it’s all that great, it might just be the right thing and the right time. So I’m not going to really review it. I’m just going to talk about some of the things it made me think about. For the last year and a half I’ve had this feeling like I was supposed to be doing something greater, that I needed to change the world, be a saint or a saviour of some kind. So I had been really depressed this week, looking back and forward and seeing I’ve gotten nowhere, done nothing, been nothing, waisted time. But in all the Zen books I’ve been reading, the message I had been ignoring until now is that this is life. Life is sweeping, pushing the grocery cart, walking the dog. The idea that we have to achieve greatness, that life doesn’t start until you’re John of Arc or Eva Peron, is a lie. This is a lie the ego tells us and distracts us from living our real life right now. All this time I was doing exactly what I was supposed to be. And also that activism can be for the wrong reasons. Sometimes we feel the need to change world because of an egosticial self-righteousness or anger. This is where I was coming from and it’s the reason I haven’t done anything. If I want to make a difference it has to be from the right place in my heart and I’m not ready. My ego can find it’s way around this by saying, “you must have an important destiny since god has given you all this time and nurturing”, but it’s another lie. I also used to think that ego was necessary inasmuch as you needed it for survival. But I’m coming to the realization that ego and survival instincts are not the same thing. When considering what I might do if they brought back the draft, I actually thought I might set myself on fire. This would be an instance where the ego’s need to make a point would be in direct conflict with survival. And finally, the last thing the book made me think of, especially since I am sick, is my sick body as a metphor for the world. My mind wants to eat, I am definitely an emotional eater. But my stomach was so upset and begged me not to dump any more garbage down the shoot, but my mind wanted to eat so badly that I did it anyway, much to my tummy’s despair. It’s weird how the two parts of my body had forgotten they were part of the same whole and worked against eachother. Humanity is the same way. Western culture is the hungry mind, consuming and polluting, while the rest of the planet suffers. We have forgotten that we are the same body. Which brings me back to activism for the right reasons. If I am a single cell in the body of the world, my desire to heal it would not be from thinking I was better or from some self-righteous morality. It would be because I am the body, the world is me and the pain is mine. This is the true meaning of compassion.

I just finished reading Dude, Where’s my Country?. I wish I had read it earlier, because most of the actual information wound up in Fahrenheit. Some of the info is a little dated, like he’s still supporting Clark. It’s still a great read if you enjoy his style and want a little dose of his humor. Anyway, yesterday we celebrated Independence day at Mike’s mom’s with fireworks and lots of great food and I actually felt a little tinge of patriotism. This could be a great country. We can be a country that other countries want to be again. Michael Moore always makes me feel that way.

*OH, for those who insist he’s full of crap, he has the most extensive reference section of any book I’ve ever read, except maybe for Al Franken’s book. Maybe you should actually read the whole thing before you jump to conclusions, kind of like someone else we know?

I just finished reading The Bush-Hater’s Handbook. It’s a nice little book that I wish I could shrink down to pocket size and carry with me wherever I go =) It’s organized A-Z for quick reference of all Bush’s atrocious actions, ties, failings, etc. Although it will become dated very soon. Also, I don’t recommend reading it all the way through like a regular book. It put me in a very bad mood as you can see from some of my previous posts. Since it was just a list, it lacked that “what you can do to make it better” spin.

I just finished reading Zen for Christians. It was the most simple explanation of Zen that I’ve read so far. It was a neat and tidy little book, an easy read, and she wrote without all the pretensions that some writers on the subject feel the need to include. This may be because she was toning it down for her Christian audience. (I don’t mean intelligence-wise, I just mean so as not to sound so out there and put anyone off.) It was the most concise description of how to do zazen practice and has motivated me to do it more. Although, she only compared Zen to Christianity in one chapter. She talked mostly about Zen and very little about how it related or didn’t relate to Christianity. It was enjoyable anyway, and I’ve decided that if things ever get really bad and we find ourselves homeless for some reason, I am going to seek out a Zen monastery instead of a shelter. She lived in one for a year and it sounded like an experience I’d like to have.

I just finished a book called Lost Christianity. I’m tempted to say that it was really boring, but I think it was just way above me. The writer had some qualities that I see in myself, the qualities that make for an annoying writer, which is why I am not one. He’d have a conversation with someone, tell us all the questions he asked, then go off into his own thoughts, and so he didn’t remember how the person answered! He was giving a speech and some people asked him questions, but he didn’t have an answer, and he was so lost in thought about what he wanted to talk about next, he just answered their questions by changing the subject. He talked about a lot of things that I think required some prior knowledge; it wasn’t written for a lay person like me. Every once in awhile, he’d come up from the depths to take a breath and I could understand some of the shallower statements. I’d become intrigued and thirsty for more, but he’d never expand on anything, just descend again into the boring depths. For example (and maybe you all get it perfectly and I’m just an idiot, which I am willing to accept, let me know if you do):

“Imagine, the Buddha says, that in the vastness of the great ocean there is a single ox yoke floating free. Imagine also that in this vast ocean a great tortoise swims, surfacing once every hundred years. How rare it would be that when the tortoise surfaces, his head would pass through this ox yoke floating free. Even rarer is it to be born a human being. I waved my hand questioningly at the hundreds of people passing us in the street, and my Tibetan friend stopped, obviously noticing that I had not grasped what he had just said about the meaning of being a man. I stopped too an waited for his answer. His face, usually full of good humor, was now almost grave. “How many human beings do yo see?” he said. I understood.”

I DON’T, COULD YOU EXPLAIN PLEASE? That’s what I’m talking about, he just leaves you hanging all over the place, assuming you’re as smart as he is. And maybe most people are, maybe I’m just a dunce.

I just finished reading Thieves in High Places. It’s on the order of Michael Moore’s books, but a different style of humor, more of a down home type I suppose. He’s witty and full of solid information. Unfortunately I can never remember all the information for arguments’ sake. Anyway, it is spirited and ends with an empowering call to arms. The back is full of great websites to help one get involved. It’s also loaded with interesting CEO quotes we commoners weren’t meant to hear. There’s no universe you could call this guy unpatriotic; he loves America and is in the fight to take it back!

I finished The Edison Gene, ADHD and the Gift of the Hunter Child. I know I kind of talked about it before, but it is absolutely genius and I urgently recommend you check it out if you have any contact with children at all. It will seriously change the way you look at them and people. This book is so full of fascinating information about the world, anthropology, culture, environment, natural history, and more. Please please don’t waste another minute and another mind by not reading this important book. This next generation may be the one that saves us, and we’re pissing it away with defeating labels and drugs.

I just finished reading The Power of Now which my dad lent to me. My feelings about it are mixed. On one hand, logically, he seems to be exactly right about everything, but part of me doesn’t want to accept it. Which leads me to what I don’t like about it. It’s just like Christianity in that, conveniently, every thought you have that disagrees with what they say comes from the devil, only he uses the word ego. He is suggesting disidentifying with the ego and the mind and watching them as an outside observer. How far can you take that before you have a split personality? I’m not sure how one could perpetually live in the state of “being” that he describes. I’ve had my moments of satori, but they’re delicate as soap bubbles, it’s over the instant I have to move or think. For whole instants time stops and I’m completely in the now, but then, whoosh, back into time I go, just like the moment Trinity and Neo come up from the clouds to see the real sun, then back down into the clouds they go. Unlike Tolle, I don’t see this as some kind of human failing. Time exists for a reason, our egos were born for a reason, pain and suffering occur for a reason. Trying to escape, to “die before you die” defeats the purpose (not that I even pretend to know what that purpose is.) Although what I especially loved about the book was how he uses Jesus’ teachings to make some of the points, and reframes parables with a more enlightened meaning. These are terms I can relate to and he uncovers the true profundity of Jesus’ sayings that I think is lost on most mainstream Christians. (most mainstream does not = all)

You know when you’re working on a puzzle of some kind, and you have all kinds of parts, and you get that one in the middle that brings them all together? It’s amazing how all four things I’ve been reading have come together to make perfect sense. The four things are The Power of Now, The Edison Gene, That thing I posted about our educational system, and the thing I posted yesterday. First off, the Edison Gene is jammed with fascinating information on genetics and neurological development and environmental stuff, it’s exciting to read. Anyway, the truth came together in a moment of clarity when I linked all these things together. The gene associated with ADHD is being POSITIVELY selected, meaning, it’s a GOOD thing for survival or it would be unselected until it died off, but more and more people are showing up with this. It does not, however, make for a good worker ant, which is what the educational system is designed to produce. But at the time it was designed we were an industrial nation with mostly manufacturing jobs. Now our economy is evolving and our brains are evolving perfectly to go along with it, but the conservatives neurology fears change, so they’re labeling this perfect natural evolution as a disorder. Anyway, this is just a sketch of what I realized, but I have to get going this morning. All I can say is, if you have been or know anyone who has been diagnosed with ADD or ADHD, I STRONGLY recommend reading the Edison Gene. Any parent who puts their kid on medication without reading this is doing the world a disservice, nevermind their kid. It’s not that we’re getting stupider, it’s not that we’re having and increased occurrence of a “disorder”, it’s that we’re evolving, we’re adapting to a changing environment. It’s the educational system that is not adapting, and the drug companies who are profiting!!! Seriously now, think about how different the world would be if Benjamin Franklin’s mom had put him on ritalin when he was 10!

I’m probably going to buy this book. I read the further thoughts and the guy has a lot of interesting things to say. I’m wondering if the book will support my suspicion that right-wingers have a neurological deficiency. HEHE. No I’m just kidding, it’s like he says, you can’t have democracy without differing viewpoints.

I just finished reading Hardcore Zen. I don’t agree with everything he said 100%, but that’s ok, he said not to =) We have to find the truth for ourselves and no one can give it to us. I’ve read several different books on zen, and this one is my favorite because this guy is speaking my language. While I still am not enlightened and maybe never will be, I feel like I understood what this guy was talking about. There were so many points I was going to outline, but I only remember one now. So much our misery stems from our defining ourselves by what we don’t have and what we are not rather than what we do have and what we are. I was so shocked that the same day I read that in the book, one of those “the more you know” with the shooting star public messages came on tv saying the exact same thing. OH, and I have to tell you a joke he had in there.

How many zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
The plumb tree in the garden!

He has a website that looks like has some interesting essays and articles although I haven’t had time to read any of them yet, but I plan on it. Which reminds me of something else I got from the book. My worrying about death isn’t making death or the afterlife better, it’s making my life worse. Although realizing this hasn’t helped much, hopefully in time I’ll figure out how to apply it towards making my self feel better. The other bit I really liked was that the point of life is to be ourselves, that’s my obligation, to be me. The universe designed me a certain way so that it could experience itself through the eyes of a short, stumpy, afraid, clothing designing, soy ice cream eating girly girl who looks like a man in drag. Now, earlier in the book he said something to the effect of there being no point to activism or trying to save the rain forests or whatever because all the things that are wrong with the world were meant to be wrong (I don’t think he put it that way, but that’s what he meant I think). While I agree on some level, I disagree that that’s an excuse not to be an activist. He contradicted himself a little by saying it’s our obligation to be ourselves, because if ourself is an activist, then that we must be. The universe created atrocity and devastation to experience oppression and created activists to experience triumph.

I just finished Rescuing the Bible from Fundamentalism. The opening chapter was brilliant, but then it started to get a little repetitive. It was like a skipping stone along the surface of a fascinating subject. I need a big heavy rock to plunge the depths of the issue. But that’s ok, the book was still great and was almost redeemed in the last chapter. Throughout the book I was only gathering what I should not get from the Bible, and not what I should get from it. Finally in the last part of the last chapter he lets us in on what he thinks is the real message of Jesus. And I must say it is pretty much in line with my beliefs, and those of my husband (Mike I know you’re busy, but I recommend reading the last chapter so you can confirm this for me.) Strikingly, even though he is using different language, it’s somewhat parallel to the “enlightenment” experience of the writer of Hardcore Zen.

Right now I’m reading Rescuing the Bible from Fundamentalism. It’s fascinating if you’re interested in that sort of thing. Anyway, I’m convinced now that Paul was gay.

More about Appetites. It is just so quotable, I wish I could just quote the entire thing right here =) It deals largely with eating disorders but it also applies to addictions such as sex and shopping. I have tried to fill my hole with clothes. But I don’t think my problem is as bad as all that. I don’t go shopping looking for the perfect outfit to tell me who I am. I actually make my clothes based on who I already know I am. Yes, I do shop, for the perfect thing to go with the thing I already made, maybe that’s filling a little nook. Anyway, here’s a particularly perfect passage on the topic that describes exactly how I felt before I learned to sew:

“I fell quite naturally into the consumer frenzy, racked up an obscene amount of credit card debt in the eighties, spent more time than I care to admit pawing through department store racks, shopping in that greedy, disconnected way that almost always speaks to a huger for something more complicated than the objects at hand: for identity, confidence, a persona magically crafted out of fabric and thread.”

No, I’m not trying to fill my hole with clothes, I’m trying to fill it with knowledge. My “to read” list is endless and grows every day. For every book I read, I find three more in the bibliography. Anyway, I’m confused as to whether or not there’s anything wrong with this. If we didn’t always go from one goal to the next, filling this need and then moving on to the next, what would life be? She seems to be suggesting that life would be better, but to me it seems like it wouldn’t be life. As long as we’re on this earth, separated from our divine nature, I think it’s impossible to feel truly filled. And even being acutely aware and awake to this, knowing that I can never fill that hole with clothes, knowledge, or the perfect body, doesn’t make me want to stop pursuing them, what the hell else would I do with my time? She suggests rowing or walking or the like, but how is that different? It’s still a hole and you’re still filling it. One of the women she talks about found fulfillment with an adopted Chinese baby girl. This is exactly what Mike and I plan to do one day, adopt a baby girl from China or Bangladesh or somewhere like that. But we can’t afford to now, and I’m so tired of this feeling that my life is on hold “until….” So in the mean time, I’m going to do what I love, sew, shop, and read. But on the other hand, finding fulfillment in the service of another person brings us full circle to the beginning of the book where we lost touch with our desires because we were so concerned with the needs of others.

Don’t get me wrong, the book is brilliant, an enjoyable read, and brimming with amazing insights. It’s a sweet little drop in my bucket of knowledge.

Ok, so the first portion of The Secret Teachings of Jesus which consisted of the Secret Gospels of James and Thomas wasn’t altogether different from the Bible in my opinion. However, I just read the Secret Gospel of John. I must say I am stunned and am still recovering from the awe. Now, it is heavily laden with bizarre imagery and metaphor, a grandiose attempt to put cosmic and supernatural concepts into human terms. You have to read it the same way you look at a magic eye poster, cut through all the crap and see the real picture. Most Christians have written this book off as heresy, and it’s obvious why. But my truth tuning fork is vibrating off the chart. It would turn modern Christianity on it’s ear. It explains explicitly why I was never able to accept the God of the old testament. It feels like the truth my soul has always known but was at odds with the Bible. I haven’t decided to adopt it as 100% true yet, I have more research to do on the subject, but all I can really go on is my heart. Has anyone else read this and have any insight?

I said before that I didn’t relate to the mother/daughter stuff in Appetites but I just read the third chapter entitled “I hate my stomach, I hate my thighs/body-loathing and the learned embrace of restraint”. And oh my god it’s all there. She said it all, everything I’ve felt and known is right there. I highly highly urge anyone interested in the subject to check it out, she really covers a lot of interesting ground. Here’s a few quotes:

This is the best description I’ve ever read:
“All-you-can-eat buffets terrify me to this day—I find them sadistic and grotesque in a particularly American way, the emphasis on quantity and excess reflecting something insatiably greedy and short-sighted about the culture’s ethos….”

”...the visual image had begun to supplant text as culture’s primary mode of communication, a radical change because images work so differently than words: they’re immediate, they hit you at levels way beneath intellect, they come fast and furious…today the image on the average tv commercial can change as quickly as once every 1.5 seconds, an assaulting speed, one that’s impossible to thoroughly process or integrate. When images strike you at that rate, there’s no time to register the split-second reactions they generate, no time to analyze them or put them in their proper place; they get wedged inside, insidious little kernels that come to feel like truth. This is the subliminal ooze of culture and misogyny, the source of its grip.”

“The goddess’s shape-not an ounce of fat on it, nothing bulging or protruding or exceeding its limits-presents an ideal based above all on the need for containment, as though something dangerous or repulsive might break through if the female body were not carefully managed and controlled; her beauty-highy stylized, detached, youthful often to the point of pre-pubescence -is constructed as something that’s attained only by eradicating much of what is natural-powerful, ample, generative-about the female form.”

Those aren’t even the best ones, those are just random ones. Anyway, I adore her language and writing style and the subject couldn’t be more pertinent.

An while I’m on the subject of books, I never followed up on Mother God. The first portion was fascinating as I said, but the second half read like the testimonial portion of an info-mercial.

I’m reading two books at once, don’t know if that’s an ADD symptom or what, hehe. Anyway, I’m reading The Secret Teachings of Jesus, Four Gnostic Gospels and Appetites, Why Women Want. It was unintentional, but they are providing for an interesting contrast. On one hand there is Jesus telling me to give up everything and serve others, and on the other is an exploration of our desires and how we’re trained that they’re bad. As for reviews, the Gnostic gospels are a little weird but I’m curious as to why they didn’t make the final cut for the Bible (which I FINALLY finished, sigh.) I’m only half way through Appetites, and I have this nagging feeling that I should totally relate, but I don’t at all. The two words I say the most are “I want”. I want what I want, when I want it and I am not ashamed. I am not relating to the writer’s discussion of mother/daughter relationships; I don’t see my mother as a pent up servant who taught me to be the same. But then again, I belong to the next generation she discusses who saw their mothers try to achieve everything, and that doesn’t look like it’s for me either, that the daughters feel guilt for wanting less. But that wasn’t my mom either. She tried to push me towards a career driven life at first, but all she ever wanted for me was my happiness, and when it became apparent that a soul sucking career didn’t make me happy, she supported my other pursuits wholeheartedly. Another reason I might not totally relate is because there are times I feel more like a man than a woman. I am completely devoid of any nurturing instinct and I have fully developed feelings of entitlement. And on a final note, she also discusses our obsessions with weight and appearance and career might be because these are all things we can control, things that are easier to concern ourselves with than spiritual concerns regarding the health of our soul. Well, something’s wrong with me because I concern myself with both ferociously. Just because I’ve said all these things, I want to leave saying I think it’s an excellent book that I’m enjoying thoroughly. Even if I don’t see myself in it, I appreciate the things it’s making me think about.

I’m reading Sylvia Browne’s Mother God. I would have never chosen to read this woman’s stuff, I really don’t care for her whenever she appears on Montel. She just has this attitude that bugs me. But her writing is fascinating and I’m really enjoying it so far. Some parts are a little out there for me, but it’s still interesting. Has anyone else read it?